I was told Alex Bregman would never do anything ever again. I was told by a Samoan in a grass skirt and it was right after taking peyote. Maybe I imagined that. Gosh, I’m kinda freaking myself out now. Was it a dream? I was dressed as a toilet brush saying to Bregman I would help clean up the mess he made of my team. No, that must’ve happened! So, Alex Bregman (3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer) decided May 13th was the Opening Day for him. I have issues with MLB schedulers too, so who am I to judge? Finally, it’s time that he takes off with his special brand of 24 homers, .260 average and five steals–Oh my God, he’s so boring! Why did you ever draft him to begin with? Shame on you! After this two-homer night, sell like you have figurines and you’re on QVC! If you can get anything, spray some Breg-B-Gone on your team and get what you can. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jung Hoo Lee – Dealing with a dislocated shoulder. Supposedly, might miss the rest of the season. How badly was his shoulder dislocated? Is his shoulder not listed on Waze? Damn, my fantasy team, Josh Jung Hoo Lee, is cursed.
Luis Matos – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh, he’s doing one of those maneuvers, huh? Where he’s better in the majors than the minors? Matos has speed and power, and now might have a job for the foreseeable future (if he hits). Worth a monocle in shallower leagues, and a grab in deeper.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .341. Mookie Best!
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Not even sure he’s a Streamonator call; I think he’s just an “own and start 85% of the time” call.
Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.24. This year he’s coming out of the pen to sad trombones. I don’t talk much about closers if they’re going well, and, well, Diaz has not been. He’s barely top 200 on the Player Rater.
Cristopher Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43. More like Snoozechez! Broke him in half and ate his insides! No? Okay.
Bryson Stott – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .277, hitting over-.400 in May, and has raised his average from .210 in roughly two weeks. Stott’s hawt!
Austin Hays – Activated from the IL. O’s sent down Kjerstad in a corresponding move. Trade Hays, Santander and Kimbrel for Jhoan Duran, like, yesterday. Oh, the Twins won’t do that? No, why would the Twins want two actual bats in their lineup.
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4 and his 7th and 8th homer. He’s proven me wrong! I’m kidding. I was only wrong twice in my life. One had a little something to do with Delino DeShields Jr. and the 2nd had a little something to do with Josh Rutledge. Every other mistake is a rounding error. It’s like when you call the bank and plead for them to remove a bounced check fee, because you just deposited three dollars and sixty-four cents and didn’t know how much nachos were going to cost and you were on a date and, c’mon, cut me some slack, Jack!
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82 vs. Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.68. I’m gonna sound like a loon, but against a much tougher lineup, Berrios looked better than Burnes. I watched the whole start and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Varsho leads the Jays in homers by almost double the next guy, and only has one more homer than Cedric Mullins.
TJ Friedl – Hit the IL with a fractured thumb. Reds said his thumb was fine on Sunday, so I bid a lot on him in my leagues, won him, and now his thumb is fractured. I need a whambulance!
Adbert Alzolay – Hit the IL with “let’s be honest, this is 100% shizz that is not working.” Timetable is unclear like when you wake without your contacts.
Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 0.96. This is not a shot at Shota, because dude’s basically Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and Yu Darvish rolled into one, but this start by him — not economical, iffy command — was more what I expected from him this year. As I talk about on the podcast coming later today, I wonder if MLB hitters needed time to see his pitches before correcting for their aggressiveness.
Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.34. Please pray for my mismatched socks and general mental health for when the Regression Fairies come calling for my starters. I mean, I love Reynaldo, but is he a 1.34 ERA pitcher? Hmm…Guessing no!
A.J. Minter – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.57, as he received the 2nd save opp in two games, and converted this one for his 1st save. Raisel, sadly, was last seen on America’s Most Unwanted Closers. He was fleeing the scene of “Losing a no hitter.” He also might’ve worked a lot on Friday and Saturday and needed a break? I honestly don’t know. I did that thing where you say, “Here’s the church, here’s the steeple” and opened my hands and said, “Raisel?” And it just echoed with no response.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I bought this book, “How To Identify When A Hitter Is Over-The-Hill.” Here, I wanna show you. It’s over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose Soriano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. All Angels pitchers do is rope you in. They are the proverbial banana in the tailpipe.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. I used to think a homer from him makes him into an instant schmotato, but now I just think he’s a platoon player who might not play today.
Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. The only regulars who haven’t been injured or sent down without a homer are: Chas McCormick and Colt Keith. Smart money’s on Chas staying up and being last to homer.
Alexis Diaz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.75, and the blown save. He has seemingly no idea where the ball is going. He hit Lourdes Gurriel Jr. in the ribs at one point, and Gurriel was five miles away at a Tony Roma’s.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Keep doubting him and all he keeps doing is hitting. Jurickson store’s gonna call about you.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Mr. April showed up a month last.
Jackson Merrill – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and three hits and two steals on Sunday. It’s not everything, but it’s more than Wyatt Langford or Evan Carter are doing!
Jalen Beeks – 1 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 3 walks, zero Ks, ERA at 2.21, and his 4th save, and four saves in May, while Justin Lawrence worked the 7th and 8th. Five ladies and gentlemen, your new Rockies’ closer, Mr. Beeks, as him and Justin have been trading places.
Brady Singer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. I’d never root against a guy, but a little regression for a guy I have nowhere? That’s not against the rules.
Luke Raley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2). I cannot tell a lie, I forgot what team he was on. More like Luke Raley-heard-from! Boom! Roasted! No? Okay.
Ty France – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. A French fly!
Rhys Hoskins – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury, but walked off the field, and I’m Dr. Of Watching Replays, so he’ll be fine after a 15-day IL stint.
Jake Bauers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .244. I would’ve done as well drafting Bauers as Chourio. Excuse me, I’m going to walk into traffic.
Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Crazy how little expectations were on Suwinski this year and he still managed to come in under them so far.
Bryan Reynolds – 5-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Almost was the opening lede, but he’s even more boring than Bregman!
Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.93. How does the saying go? April rage-dropping of Obers and Kellers, brings May bloody murder yellers.
Tanner Bibee – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Still kinda Bleh City, and he owes his reliever, Sandlin, an engraved mug that reads, “You’re The Best!” to get him out with zero earned runs. Bibee’s fastball is generating a .429 BAA, which is quite frankly hilarious.
Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. What’s kinda funny: Turn yourself into a pretzel, twisting your logic into how Bibee isn’t that bad, then his opponent, who is available in 98% of leagues continues to out-pitch him, and you’re like, “Meh, I don’t want him.”
Matt Manning – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Streamonator sorta liked this one, hates his next, therefore: So long, farewell. Unless you’re in a weekly league, then good luck!
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Sung like The Fat Boys, “The Tork Man is back! And you know he can never be whack (like back in April).”
Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.24. Any pitcher who pitches poorly on Monday is a bad person because I will be cursing them until Saturday or Sunday when they pitch again in weekly leagues. They can redeem themselves, but the stress between now and then pays a steep toll.
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Was beginning to worry he was still seeing cartoon birds cuckoo-clocking around his head from his concussion, but this is a good sign.
Giancarlo Stanton – As many of you might’ve heard, Statcast released a bunch of new stats, and Giancarlo is the King of Statcast again. Because he’s my daddy and I asked him for fast swings. Thank you, daddy. There’s a good primer of the new stats. Key takeaway (no relation to Hisanori Takahashi), is these stats are fun to play with but have very little applicability on their own, i.e., Shohei Ohtani and Javier Baez both swing their bats at the same speed. Wildly different results. It’s like saying Garrett Crochet and Dylan Cease both throw 97 MPH on average. Besides, them both having firsthand accounts at how awful the White Sux are, their similarities don’t have a ton of overlap. To find the real gems, it’s gonna take some combination of like 75+ MPH bat speed, 35% squared-up rate and 15% Blast rate and who is left? Juan Soto.
