Referencing Wikipedia liberally here: Trey Lipscomb, a very famous barber in the 1840s who could twirl three mustaches at the same time. Johnny Appleseeds, children between the ages of 8-13 in the 1840s, used to exclaim, “You are a hero, Mr. Lipscomb, for us, Johnny Appleseeds, and you will never be forgotten by golly,” as the JAs used to paste mustaches on their faces and dance in coal mines similarly to the WB frog. A very heartwarming ceremony. Over 180 years later, there’s a new Trey Lipscomb. This one also has a mustache, as all macho men do, and he took over 3rd base for the Nats when Nick Senzel went down. Lipscomb is clearly an NL-Only guy, but looks kinda interesting in a 15-team mixed. In Double-A last year, Lipscomb went 10/4/.284. Here’s Itch with more, “A third round pick out of Washington in 2022, Lipscomb has been lauded for his defense at camp and is slashing .364/.429/.523 with a homer and a steal in 49 plate appearances. He posted a 102 wRC+ in 80 games at Double-A this season, so it’s not a wild idea that Lipscomb could help this team right away in 2024. Also wild is how much I’d like to drive my Honda over Grey.” What on earth? So, if you’re hurting at corner, I could see a flyer, if nothing else to honor those with black lung. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Finnegan – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 16.20, as he blew the save. To not let Harvey close on Easter is an insult to all awkwardly costumed adult men in bunny suits.
CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Corange Juice is so sexy, I am sweating.
Will Benson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits 2nd. Yes, Benson, Will.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. “CES!” said in a weird video game voice like the voice that screams “Sega.”
Hunter Greene – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER. I love this guy, in theory, but I’m so glad I’m out on him this year. He’s the crazy hot girlfriend. The strikeouts are fun, but you forget to text her goodnight while you’re on the road and she’s keying your car.
Luis Severino – 5 IP, 6 ER. Can one still smile while getting completely owned by a Spring Training narrative? We find out after this quick break!
Tylor Megill – 4 IP, 1 ER. See Jordan Hicks’s blurb below.
Abner Uribe – 1 IP, 1 ER as he nailed both of the Brewers’ 1st two saves this weekend, but allowed a homer on Saturday, and Joel Payamps (1 IP, 0 ER) recorded Sunday’s save looking even more lights-out.
Kenta Maeda – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Hate putting too much weight on one start, and maybe Maeda (maeyba?) will come around, but his velocity was way down and he appears cooked.
Jason Foley – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save. Weird that all preseason everyone thought Alex Lange was the closer, but it’s clearly Foley. Honestly, I don’t even know why, but mine’s ain’t to reason why, it’s to do or SAGNOF ’til I die.
Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Carpenter nailed it!
Paul DeJong – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Colonel Mustard in the bathroom with the plunger!
Eloy Jimenez – Removed from Sunday’s game with an injury. Don’t worry, he should be fine and play 150 games this year. April Fool’s!
Sean Murphy – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Sean Murphy’s gonna be such a huge pickup for teams in June. Sigh, alas, gurgling sadness. This helps Travis d’Arnaud.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. I love Albies. Sure, (does a quick R&B breakbeat) it’s mostly because he’s my height, but we can’t have blind spots?
Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Sale looked straight filth early: 97 MPH to 80 MPH to 95 MPH to 96 MPH to 80. Just forget it if he stays healthy. I should’ve put $5 on him winning the NL Cy.
Max Fried – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Told you to avoid him this year. You didn’t listen though, did you? Aw poo.
Aaron Nola – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Told you to avoid him this year. You didn’t listen though, did you? Aw poo, part deux. All seriousness, he was such a chalk avoid that if you didn’t, I worry your elevator isn’t going past your heart or ever reaching your noodle.
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Okay, ERA is a little wonky, but I’m monocle’ing those Ks. That’s an interesting development, especially vs. the Braves.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Call me a boomer, but the Phils have at least five guys better suited for leadoff. It’s so stupid Schwabs hits first.
Grayson Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. My boy looks good and I don’t have any shares! If being honest, it’s because he burned me bad last year.
Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners (zero BBs), 7 Ks. Wells, a plural of an injection when you’re unsure about something.
Anthony Rendon – 0-for-4 as he continues to leadoff. I have this STINKS X and Y graph of Rendon leading off on the X axis and “Ron Washington’s an idiot” on the Y axis, and, baby, this STINKS line is going to the moon.
When you’ve lost the club the first weekend of the season pic.twitter.com/B11LJOeIDe
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 31, 2024
Taylor Ward – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Oh, daddy, we have a hot schmotato!
Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s not even a post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper. He’s barely a post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper. Five posts vs. ten!
Gavin Stone – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Steven Matz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. They both looked much better than their final lines. Does your league have an appearances category?
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Teoscar’s about to put together a 40-homer, 120 RBIs season and he was cheaper than about 130 other players in drafts.
Tanner Bibee – 4 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. More like Tanner BB. This was vs. the A’s, which means Bibee actually gave up 17 earned runs while MC Hammer sat in the front row, pointing and laughing. Just utterly brutal stuff.
Paul Blackburn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Blackburn threw seven shutout innings, then drank the Guardians’ bathwater and seduced their moms.
Jared Jones – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. He looked excellent. A helluva lot better than AJ Puk. That’s for sure. Took me a while to get in on Jones, and maybe too long, but I’m in now. Gives me another reason to watch Oneil Cruz anyway.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. That was a grand slam off Falter. Who did indeed.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He criticized the fans the other day for booing him after his 1st strikeout. So many things to unpack here. A) What other reaction would one have to Avisail’s play? B) Marlins have fans to boo? C) There’s no C. D) One thing that always stops fans from booing is criticizing them, he said sarcastically.
Zach Littell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Rays pitcher pitching? Grey’s picture in his attic de-aging? Both is good and true!
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. The Rice Bowl making it grain!
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Google [Issac Paredes sleeper].
Kevin Gausman – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks. Gonna look back at the discount people were getting on Gausman during Spring Training and shake our heads.
Davis Schneider – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Was basically free in drafts this year, even though he looked great last September. Guessing people thought he was Maas Appeal, but we’ll see.
Jordan Hicks – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Jared Jones, Jordan Hicks, Tylor Megill, Gavin Stone, Louie Varland, I’m just kidding this order will change after every start, Reid Detmers, Tyler Wells, then one of the Marlins starters not named Jesus Luzardo but in no way named Ryan Weathers.
Joey Bart – Designated for assignment. Giants told Joey to take the BART somewhere else.
Dylan Cease – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Cease rolls out of bed and puts up this start. Every single time, plus or minus three walks.
Michael King – 4 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 7 walks, 6 Ks. He looked egregious. Willing to give him a game pass, but woof.
Luis Campusano – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Ha-Seong Kim – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Sorry, we don’t give props to schmohawks.
Kenley Jansen – Was held out of Saturday’s game with back tightness. Back problems are definitely something that heal up on their own overnight. No worries here! If you’re looking to speculate on Sawx saves or are a fan of Coldplay, Chris Martin is his setup man.
Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. I’d link to my Kutter Crawford sleeper here, but you already know!
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. O’Neill at Breakout City, Population: 1!
Garrett Whitlock – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks. So, I like Whitlock (and Kutter), but Streamonator is quick to tell you [at] Seattle, is not settling.
Bryce Miller – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Officially decided there’s too many B. Miller pitchers in the majors. It’s confusing. I’m changing him to Ryce Miller or Bryce Iller. Changes have to happen.
DJ LeMahieu – Diagnosed with a fractured foot. DJ was hurty; Yanks needed Berti. Okie….wait for it…dokie.
Clarke Schmidt – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. With almost zero evidence, I feel like everything associated with the Yanks, except Juan Soto, is cursed.
Hunter Brown – 4 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. You, “Where does Hunter Brown fit into the Jared Jones order of 5th starters?” First. For now. Because he’s not a 5th starter.
Ben Brown – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, as he was called up by the Cubs. “Ugh, I can’t believe I started AJ Puk! What a disaster! I never wanna make a mistake like that again–Did the Cubs call up Ben Brown? That seems good!” So, they’re not at all similar, but I was just pointing out that risky pitchers are risky for a reason. With that said, here’s what Itch’s said in the past about Brown, “6’6” with a bad bad fastball (by which I mean a very good fastball, perhaps the baddest fastball in the whole town of Des Moines, IA), Brown will almost certainly be the color of Grey when I stomp him into the mud.” What the heck? Brown seems like a nightmare waiting to happen with a 6.3 BB/9 last year in 72 2/3 IP at Triple-A.
Christopher Morel – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Super late bandwagonner, but meloves Morel.
Jose Leclerc – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. No closers are safe the first few weeks. Guys will settle in, but it’s a good tie to be vigilant about grabbing set up men, because things are heightened early on. If Leclerc Leboots the next game, suddenly the job is up in the air. It’s like that for 75% of closers, but not all. For unstints, Hader gave up a run, but, c’mon, he’s not losing the job; Red Sox seem to want Jansen to be the closer until the deadline, no matter how bad his back in, and there’s more. Bullpen chart is updated.
Brandon Pfaadt – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. If you were to say to people who like Jared Jones to look at Pfaadt and Stone from last year, would anyone hear you? I’m not sure I want to hear it, and I’m saying it!
Christian Walker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Reminds me of Adolis. No one wants Walker in the preseason. As soon as the season starts, people want him.
Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. Kept saying all preseason that Lugo was undervalued and has been good his entire career. Did you listen? No. Or rather, did you read and ignore? Yes.
Will Smith – 1 IP, 4 ER. Someone needs to slap him.
Brady Singer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Royals jumped out to a huge lead, and Singer cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W. Streamonator loves his next one, and I could see it.
Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. He was a preseason sleeper, because I touch things to make them magic.
Maikel Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’s breaking out, but if you don’t care, why are you reading this? S’s and g’s?
Kyle Isbel – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Bobby Witt Jr. (3-for-5, 3 runs) hit his 1st homer; Sal P. (3-for-5,2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 1st and Vinnie P.’s still done nothing.
Royce Lewis – Hit the IL with “Royce Lewis legs.” There’s no real cure for this obviously, but Lewis says he thinks it’ll be a short stay on the IL and he’ll be working with the Twins’ new strength and conditioning coach, Grady Sizemore.
Bailey Ober – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Seeing Ober and reaching for my Remote Control.
