“I grabbed Wood two weeks ago and finally it’s paying off with some pleasure!” [Cancel Police break down my door and throw me to the ground] Don’t you need a search warrant before entering my house about a cancellation? Ow, you are digging your steel-toed boots into my back! Lift them off me, or lower them a little to my hiney! [Another set of Cancel Police run in] 1st set of Cancel Police talking to the 2nd set of Cancel Police, “Hey, what are you doing here?”
“We already have this guy booked for a bad ‘grabbing Wood joke.’”
“Hmm, we have him for an inappropriate joke about sticking a boot up his keister.”
“We were here first.”
“Too bad, the keister joke is much worse.”
“No way! Grabbing Wood? Are you kidding? That’s awful! Cancel your cancellation paperwork! We’re taking him in!” And that was how one set of Cancel Police ended up coming for me but leaving with another set of Cancel Police. One thing they’ll never take from me is James Wood (1-for-4). I just gave you my James Wood fantasy. Dan Pants just gave you his James Wood fantasy. Prospect Itch just gave you his James Wood fantasy. Why such excitement? He could — Well, no, he, Wood, could be the last remaining big call-up. Coby Mayo is out there, but the O’s don’t even have room for who they have already. Junior Caminero still lights the loins, but the Rays could be sellers, so why call him up before September? Brooks Lee looks solid, but the Twins had an opening and didn’t go to him. Jasson Dominguez is injured and the Yanks don’t have a ton of room once Giancarlo returns. It could be Wood and no one else, besides MLB starters who are returning from injury — think Robbie Ray, Baz, Kershaw, etc. So, James Wood looks like a future superstar. 35+ homer power, 35+ steal speed, could hit .280+. All the makings here of greatness for fantasy and real baseball. Will it happen this year? Who knows, but you’re paying more for could than Wood. Like your Only Fans subscriptions. [Cancel Police storm in again, throw me to the ground] A third set of Cancel Police? Oh, c’mon! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
MacKenzie Gore – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Gore goes like this: WHOMP, bad start, ERA goes to 3.60-ish, then solid start to get his ERA to just under 3.50; solid start to get to around 3.30, then WHOMP, bad start, ERA goes back to 3.60-ish; rinse and repeat.
Kodai Senga – Will make his first rehab start on Wednesday. That puts him around first week of August to return if everything goes right. On February 22nd, someone reported Senga was more of a top 40 starter after he had his shoulder strain. No, not me. I told you not to draft him. The Mets said on March 9th that he could be back around mid-May. My Far Side calendar says it’s July. If you purposely draft a starter with an arm injury, you get what you have coming to you.
Brandon Nimmo – Out of the lineup after falling in his hotel room. Clearly, he was dancing to the Jose Iglesias song OMG when Grimace ran through his hotel room wall like the Kool Aid Man after being chased by Yoenis Cespedes’s boar. If you understood that, I’m sorry you’re a Mets fan. In all seriousness, Nimmo hit his head on the toilet and woke hours later unsure how he got there. Then he drew the flux capacitor.
Christian Scott – Will return on Wednesday vs. the Nats. Unsure if he’s a spot start or up for good. Might have to do with how well he performs. Definitely worth a flyer in mixed leagues, having posted a 2.12 ERA in Triple-A and I just went and picked him up in my RCL league, because I am what I eat: My words.
David Peterson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.51. His slider in 2022 was so good. Since then? So bad. Not sure what happened. His change and curve seem to be working, but not the bread and butter, what a pickle! Streamonator doesn’t love his next, but I’d start him in Pittsburgh.
Jose Iglesias – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. OMG. If you haven’t heard Jose Iglesias’s song, please do not search it out. It’s exactly as bad as you think it will be, but not like “funny bad” like the Super Bowl Shuffle.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Just Dong because that’s how one reacts when challenged by a meatball.
Brenton Doyle – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (8, 9) and legs (20). He’s hitting 7th. Mean’s while, Charlie Blackmon (2-for-5 and his 4th homer) has hit leadoff since the Carter Administration like he’s one of the great leadoff men of our generation and deserves to ride out, Chazz Noir-style, on a white stallion, and collect his flowers, and lay them over his saddle and one in his teeth.
William Contreras – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 10th homer. I don’t usually go over Coors homers because they’re in Coors, they’re supposed to hit homers, but there were three games scheduled yesterday because MLB is very dumb.
Joey Loperfido – Didn’t start again. Why isn’t Loperfido playing at all? Is Dusty Baker shadow managing the Astros?
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.07. He has a 1.99 ERA since May 1st. What was he like in April? Oh you don’t want to know! You’re asking what was he like in April because that’s when you dropped him? Oh, geez, well, then you know what he did in April! It was better than a 1.99 ERA*. *If higher numbers are better.
Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .294. 33 more! Okay, I’d take 23 more at this point. Get me to 40 Dong Cheezos and hit .300, and we good from Diego to the Bay, city is da bomb if Captain Woo Cubano is hitting bombs.
Jeremy Pena – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .277. Such a bounce back for Peña. Easily the top tilde in baseball with the loss of Acuña. Peña went from a 10-homer hitter last year to a projected 12-homer hitter this year. Oh, you thought I was being sincere with a bounce back? He’s fine, around 110 overall on the Player Rater, but he is very yawnstipating. Saving him is the projected 20-steal pace.
Josh Hader – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.82. He allowed a home run to Ernie Clement like he’s Ernie Roberto Clemente. Yo, Hader, I hate you. Guess how many saves Hader has. Go ahead! Half a season! How many could it be? 18? 20? 16? It’s 13! God, he sucks.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Didn’t play with finger discomfort. I have a finger for him.
Yariel Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Grabbed him for the two-start week because I got pants grape the size of two Grimaces. People look at me and they’re like, does he have elephantiasis of the berries? I do, thanks for noticing. If you didn’t stream him yesterday — sucks to suck! — but if you’re wondering on the Streamonator for next time, it likes his next even more.
Ernie Clement – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. That gives him four times as many homers as Ernie’s best friend, Bert, has eyebrows.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Felt something in his knee while doing his pre-game stretches. Was it…love?
