You’ve heard of the Rip Van Winkle fairy tale, right? Guy who falls asleep for 20 years then wakes to a very different world? Yeah, one part of that not many people talk about is Chapter 8 called, “Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Post Hype Sleeper.” It tells the story about how Rip Van Winkle checks his fantasy team after 20 years and is surprised to see Jo Adell (1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .252) has finally broke out. Team is still in last though, because everyone else on his team has retired or is Javy Baez. The nutty thing is someone (and I don’t think I’m creating a straw man) is congratulating Ron Washington for getting this out of Jo Adell, when all every manager before him had to do was play him. The incredible manager gamemanship strategy of “simply writing a guy’s name on a lineup card.” Also, in this game, Framber Valdez (5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.32) got manhandled by everyone. As our writer Latch Key Kid said, “Framber honoring the Space City unis by letting the Angels send baseballs into orbit.” Nolan Schanuel (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer, and I still believe he’s a .280 hitter, while not appearing to be one yet. What’s the opposite of regression? Aggression? Schanuel going to go aggro! Zach Neto (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 6th. Neto is Neat-o, and should be better. Logan O’Hoppe (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 4th homer, and, well, I think the entire Angels’ lineup should be aggro. Get aggro, fellas! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Altuve – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Astros have not been good, but Pena, Altuve and Tucker? Not their fault.
Ian Hamilton – Hit the Covid IL. ‘Member when they wouldn’t say why a guy was being IL’d if he had Covid but they said everything else? It was like, “Rafael Devers took a grounder to the testicles and is having imaging done on his balls.” vs. “Vlad Jr. will miss 7-to-27 days but no reason was given.”
Clay Holmes – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 1.74. That’s one way to regress. There’s nothing more deflating than a closer giving up the lead, then being pulled so there’s no chance for a vulture win. Hopefully this doesn’t begin the inevitable correction of Clay Holmes from Pristine God to Iffy Closer Who Barely Holds Onto His Role.
Marcus Stroman – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Stroman my pain with his ratios, losing my win but getting some swords…
Kodai Senga – Didn’t throw a pen session because of triceps tightness. From his shoulder to his triceps? Great news! It’s moving down his arm. Next stop forearm–Oh, that won’t be good. But then wrist, and out through the fingers!
Tylor Megill – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00 as he was activated from the IL. Sorry, bucko, Trevor is Megill. You can be Igill or Yougill. Conjugate on your own time. I remember people liking Megill in the preseason, went to look at his stats, and don’t remember why. He has too many walks for the modern game (the last 14 months is the modern game). Not enough Ks. Mehgill. If you want to grab him, be my guest, but it’s more like guess, as in what outcome you’re getting.
Ramon Laureano – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to figure out how to take undetected PEDs.
Johnathan Rodriguez – Called up by the Guards. Every name should have an “athan.” Robathan, Tomathan, Greyathan. It’s just freakin’ cool, and I like cool. Johnathan was hitting well in the minors: 7/4/.276 in 156 ABs with a 15.7% BB%, but some excessive Ks. He could be a 20/12/.240 hitter, but I don’t think he has a clear track to everyday playing time.
Ben Lively – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Since I have Lively in a few leagues (Havely?) and enjoy the Mets’ broadcasters, I watched this whole start, and I still don’t know what my takeaway is. He seemed. Dot dot dot. Fine. The Mets look awful; they have roughly five automatic outs in their lineup. Megill actually looked better than Lively. He was an easy start for me this week because of the two-start week, even if the Streamonator hates him. I will say the nice thing with Lively is his pen is, to borrow a nickname of a former Met, nails.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.72. I hope I’m wrong but Pab-Lo feels like he’s having one of those seasons that just kills his owners. Like one of those 170 IP, 4.50 ERA seasons. A 2023 Manoah.
Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .281. Lu-Ga chaka, Lu-Ga, Lu-Ga, Lu-Ga chaka, Lu-Ga, Lu-Ga, Lu-Ga chaka! Lu-Ga, Lu-Ga, Lu-Ga chaka! Lu-Ga, Lu-Ga! I can’t stop this feeling! Deep inside of me! Garcia, you just don’t realize what you do to me.
Jesse Winker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Mitchell Parker – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. I don’t have Pab-Lo anywhere, but what’s it like watching him struggle so mightily vs. the Nats and Parker, and a guy you could’ve had off waivers succeed–Ya know what, don’t answer. It’s too painful. Parker’s peripherals actually are backing up his ERA and how well he’s pitching. Streamonator hates his next one, but I don’t mind it.
Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Gunnar became Austin Riley and Austin Riley became Milk Carton Charlie.
Dean Kremer – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.32. Bad week to quit sniffing glue, and worse week to lock in Kremer, Fedde and Olson for their two-start weeks.
Michael Siani – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (5). Siani reminds me of Sienna Miller and that makes me blissful. Allow Grey some bliss, would ya?
Sonny Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.87. He allowed two more unearned runs, but, ya know what, who cares? His line was good enough vs. the O’s. I’m not getting greedy, unless we’re talking about me googling Sienna Miller.
Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Giving up 10 baserunners to the White Sux is some kind of record. Only they don’t keep those records because they’re too effin’ embarrassing.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. On the Player Rater, he’s been about top 100 overall. About same as Yordan. [sticks face into ceiling fan to feel something]
Danny Jansen – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Guess what he’s batting. No, not where. He’s hitting in the two-hole, but guess his batting average. Not great, right? He’s hitting .333.
Bo Bichette – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .230. Bo Pieceofchette has one more steal than the opposing catcher yesterday, Korey Lee, who has three. Almost four, but Korey Lee got caught trying to steal home. Yes, a catcher tried to steal home. Last time that happened it was Ribbon Cutting Timoms in 1917, who got his nickname because he worked as a gift wrapper in the offseason.
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.12. Streamonator doesn’t like Fedde, and I don’t blame that feeling-less robot. He ropes you in real good, then ties you to a chair and burps in your face. Fedde, not the Streamonator.
Paul DeJong – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (2). Nearly benched Colonel Mustard in one of my leagues, but I went with him, because I drive a 78-foot Weinermobile and I need that mustard, baby! Also, contractually obligated. Plus, parking this thing is a real pain. Any hoo! DeJong has been a schmotato for two weeks, and the Sux have nothing but room to play him.
Zach Eflin – Hit the IL with “how made-up do these injuries need to be to give a guy a break.” Guessing he needs two weeks.
Brandon Lowe – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. He’s a platoon guy who hasn’t hit for some time. But a fantastic conversationalist!
Taj Bradley – 7 IP, 5 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Hmm, do you have xFIP in your league? You don’t? Sorry!
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and 10th homer, and 6th straight game with a homer. Oh boy, someone put Dale Long’s frozen head on the counter to start defrosting him, in case we need him for the ceremonial 8th straight game with a homer so he can watch Devers break his record.
Tanner Houck – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.94. Whether it’s true or simply confirmation bias, I leaned heavily into command guys this year, forgoing strikeouts. That has worked out so well so far for guys I loved. I–crap, my cuticle was bleeding while I was patting my back. Do I have blood on my back? Look like I’m Caesar? Help me out here!
Ceddane Rafaela – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Sure, he’s hitting .195 and batting 9th, but I’m starting him everywhere because I like him way more than I should.
Reese Olson – Left his start after 2 2/3 IP after taking a liner off his hip and now he’s locked into my lineups and am I getting a 2nd start this week? This is not rhetorical! What’s going on?
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.45. At least one guy gets the two-start stream brief.
Michael Massey – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, hitting near-.300 in May. Sounds schmotatoey.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, and his 9th homer. Since I drafted Perez in my RCL league, I get it. It is nice having a catcher you never have to worry about.
Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .285. It’s almost like a false memory now when I think back to how Torkelson was the big-name prospect and Carpenter was his number two.
Ryan Weathers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.49. What if someone said in March, “Marlins always have great pitching,” and only Weathers heard them?
Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.17. He threw 12 curves yesterday and had a 50% whiff%. Ha. 26.3% chase on 40 4-seamers. Mmkay.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .298. He’s basically a machine made teeth.
Will Smith – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .308. Seems like no one on any other team can hit, except the Dodgers.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .236. First homer in May, hitting under-.200 in May going into yesterday. Best case scenario for him is what Jurickson is doing and the Jurickson store called and said they’re out of Lourdes.
Bryce Elder – Optioned to the minors. Like to think Elder to the minors means lots of bedtime stories and two desserts.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.22. Hard to remember now just how available Sale was in every draft, and he was, very available. Was a goof by me not being in on him.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.54. Between pitchers not going deep enough and pens giving up leads, no one is ever going to win 300 games again without some adjustments to the stat. If a starter throws a Quality Start and the pen gives up his lead or his team just didn’t have the lead while he was in the game, and then his team wins the game after he’s out of the game, he should still get the win. Not that even this newly instituted rule that I just made up that isn’t instituted would’ve got me the win for Reynaldo! Is it clear I’m a bitter Reynaldo owner? Yes? Matter of fact, I am! But what I’m saying is still true!
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-7, 3 runs, and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .327. We talk about Ozuna on today’s podcast for far longer than anyone’s talked about Ozuna since he attacked his wife on camera. Challenging the go woke, go broke concept.
Matt Olson – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .230. Olson, Albies, Riley, Acuña, Harris, well, literally anyone in the Braves’ lineup besides Ozuna, is so yawnstipating. Is this the most underperforming lineup in history or is it still the past two years of the Jays?
Xander Bogaerts – Slid to make a catch and hurt his shoulder. Looked bad on the field, similar to Trevor Story’s injury, but the original imaging came back negative and they said inflammation. As someone who never went to med school, but has been to the doctor and watched a replay, my guess is the shoulder is too inflamed for them to get a proper read on how bad it is.
Dylan Cease – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.05. Cease’s day: Crappy diem.
