Smell that? No, not the Funyuns going stale behind the couch, the smell of taeks so hot they are nuclear. It’s bold prediction szn and we here at Razzball are getting in on the action. For an example of hawt our taeks are, let’s take a trip back in time to March 29h, 2023. Yikes. Jake McCarthy was not the speed demon I predicted, Son didn’t do too badly with his call of Adian dominance, B_Don nailed Bo Bichette, but Freddie finished 3rd overall last year, Coolwhip, um…yikes, and Brewer, oh Brewer. What awful takes do we have in store for this season? I may take a shot at being slightly less bold, we’ll see. Just like last season, I’ve provided my own feedback and ranked these takes from luke-warmest to the hottest of fire. The further you scroll, the hotter the take, until the takes turn into the surface of the sun and threaten to consume all of fantasy baseball Twitter. Happy Opening Week!
Kelder: Stolen bases shatter last season and we get multiple guys with 70 steals. The math has supported thievery and teams will continue to rip off bases like a flash mob in Jared’s. Stolen bases are so high that people who target them early in drafts struggle to make up ground in the power stats.
In general, betting on more than one person to steal 70 after all the rules changes and two people nearly accomplished the feat is not the boldest of taeks. We will rank this, the center of a Pop-Tart which is always cold, despite the edges being on fire.
Keelin: Alejandro Kirk is HAPPENING.
Define, “happening”, Keelin. Alejandro Kirk is happening to be eating an entire extra large calzone? It’s just vague enough that it’s hard to define and honestly, I think he could happen. We’ll call this, a glass of room temperature water.
Grey: Cole Ragans won’t be a top 40 starter, Elly De La Cruz won’t hit .220, Jose Ramirez won’t be a top 50 player, and Shohei Ohtani will be the top fantasy player for 2024, because you should always bet on yourself.
My fantasy teams and I are fully on board with all of these predictions. We’re getting warmer, and compared to most other ‘perts, this is pretty spicy. I’ll give this, the metal part of the seatbelt when you get out of Olive Garden and your car has been baking in the summer sun.
Coolwhip: Shane Bieber finishes the season as a top 20 pitcher and in the top 5 for AL Cy Young votes after being traded to the Orioles at the deadline on the heels of his recovered velo and knuckle curve usage that made him a household name.
I can get down with this. Everyone loves a comeback character arc. Call me a Bieliber and call this take hotter than Justin’s abs.
MattTruss: Colt Keith is a top 3 second basemen and wins the AL Rookie of the Year as Wyatt Langford struggles under the pressure.
I probably should have called this good after the Colt prediction, but I got greedy and piled on to Wyatt Langford. This is mostly hopeful schadenfreude as I was unable to nab Langford in any leagues this year. Everyone just wanted him more than I did and that makes me sad. I am loaded with Cole Keith shares though and am ready to cheer him to 5×5 roto glory. I’ll call this the first sip of your morning coffee from Dunkin.
JKJ: Tyler Kinley does for free what many others are paying a premium for: 30+ SV, sub-3.50 ERA, sub-1.10 WHIP, and 70+ K.
BOLD! I like it, and I’m buying it. Kinley had a great spring but Lawrence is the incumbent and I fully expect Bud Black to make Kinley “earn” it somehow. We shall see. Trusting Bud Black to make the correct decision is the making of a very hot take. I’ll call this the portapotty at the outdoor summer concert. So sweaty in there.
Butters: Jackson Chourio puts up a 40/40 season as a rookie and finishes second in the MVP race because Acuna goes 50/50.
The 40 steals seems like a slam dunk, the 40 dingers seems….tough. I’d love to see it, but doubt it happens. This taek is hot like a beam of sun through a magnifying glass. Those ants be poppin, just like Butter’s takes.
Mike Couillard: By the time you’re reading this, it’s possible my hot take has aged like a gallon of whole milk left on the dashboard during a sweltering Florida summer day, but I think Rockies Opening Day starter, Kyle Freeland, is fantasy relevant again this year. Freeland showed up to Spring Training with increased velocities on all his pitches and rode the re-tooled arsenal to a 2.37 ERA with a 14.4% swinging-strike rate (compared to 8.6% for his career) over 19 innings in Cactus League play. Pair that along with what should be a surprisingly solid Rockies defense thanks to Ezequiel Tovar and Brenton Doyle, and we are looking at our first Rockies starting pitcher usable in 12-team leagues since 2021 German Marquez. Maybe take it easy on starting Freeland at Coors until you see how his newfound velocity plays over a start or two though.
More Rockies love, and this one, trusting a Rockies starter, eesh. I think Mike nailed it, gallon of milk on the dashboard during a Floridian summer day. Gross.
MarmosDad: Jo Adell impresses new manager Ron Washington with his improved swing mechanics and starts April with a bang while rotating through the OF/DH positions. One of the not-so-iron men in the Angels’ outfield goes down with a long term injury, (that is not the bold prediction part), and Adell flourishes with increased playing time, posting a 15/15 season with an acceptable .260 average.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Phew, got me good with this one. Hotter than the Large Hadron Collider colliding gold particles. MarmosDad has lost his marbles.
There you have it, all our boldest predictions! Be sure to drop your own in the comments below and enjoy watching them crash and burn.
