This post is going to be full stop. No nonsense. Just unadulterated smart stuff spewing from my brain to your eye thingies. Just wild moments of, “Oh crap, Grey’s doing smart stuff!” and you soak it up like a porous piece of focaccia and soapy water! Why are you sopping soapy water? I don’t know, you’re the one doing it! Yesterday, I watched Ryan Weathers (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.81) and Reese Olson (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.09). A eight-inning grudge match of two starters working deep. It was 1983 again and Mike Boddicker was taking on Mike Witt and everyone in the league was named Mike, only now they have girly names like Reese and Ryan. This was 1983 again too because both pitchers’ peripherals are garbage. Seriously, look at 1980’s pitchers’ peripherals some time. Mike Witt had 5.9 K/9 and 3 BB/9 for his career! Weathers has a 6.9 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, .248 BABIP — goofy, meh and lucky. Olson’s peripherals are 7.8 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, .246 BABIP. It’s no wonder they were giving me Witt and Boddicker vibes. Did someone see if there was a blonde laying on the hood of a Camaro in the parking lot? I’d use the Streamonator for both, and they have matchups appeal, barely. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Butto – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.08. At some point soon, the Regression Fairies are going to put on their Sunday best and come for that Butto.
Mark Vientos – Recalled from Triple-A. Supposedly, he will platoon with Baty and not get sent right back down in four days. We shall see!
Aaron Nola – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Watched the majority of this game and this Nola start is the answer to, “What if Nola looked great and the Mets looked terrible?”
Josh Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. J. Lowe hit that ball so hard a fan ducked, screaming, “Affleck!!
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. “This is so cool, I could do this.” That’s Randy walking into the offseason seminar at the Weehawken Ramada hosted by Schwarber titled, “Only Hit Homers.”
Aaron Civale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.83. Unfortch, I don’t have any leagues where ERA doesn’t matter. A bummer, I know.
Nick Pivetta – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.48. His perfs are 9.6 K/9 and 0.9 BB/9. When a guy has allowed two walks in 20 2/3 IP, how bad could he be? Audience repeats, “How bad?!” No, it’s rhetorical, not to repeat.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. [removes monocle] Give me them shares!
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer last five games, and Buy Low window is closing. Please move hands and arms inside.
Michael Harris II – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .260. For realsies, I would buy low on any Braves hitter, except Ozuna, who is whatever, but clearly will be worse than better rest of the year.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Joked the 1st week of the season that Sale would win the NL Cy, and now I pretend it wasn’t a joke. [turns to mirror] Right again!
Jameson Taillon – 4 IP, 5 unearned runs, 2 earned, ERA at 1.61. Have the Regression Fairies visited a guy if the runs are unearned? Sorta philosophical question, innit?
Sal Frelick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (5). Told you he was a sleeper! [dodges tomato] It’s still early! [runs out of room dodging more tomatoes]
Quinn Priester – 6 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.33. Meanwhile, Paul Skenes is rotting down–Oh wait.
Connor Joe – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Thanks for the cup of Joe!
Jack Leiter – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 16.39. Okay, what if they made him a closer?
Corey Seager – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Adolis Garcia (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 9th and Nathaniel Lowe (1-for-5) hit his 2nd homer. All in a losing effort, so who cares? I’m kidding! Don’t you hate when fantasy sites talk about real baseball like it means anything?
Josh Naylor – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. I told ya! You sons of beeches, I told ya! Josh Yaylor! Going Taylor HAM!
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.05. Ugh, stinky. Okay, enough regression, let’s get back to pitching well in no decisions.
Alec Burleson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (1). Usually a game this good from a Cardinals outfielder takes a trade.
Masyn Winn – 1-for-5 and his 7th steal, hitting .280. One good facet to the Cards’ hitting sucking the ol’ suckhole is Winn has moved to the leadoff spot, and might stick there.
Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .268. I see ya, twitching your fingers, wanting to scratch your catcher scab.
Will Benson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting leadoff again. Are we sure Benson isn’t doing some kinda sorcery to injure every outfielder who replaces him?
Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Crazy as it sounds, it’s more encouraging for me to see him only throw one walk and five Ks vs. something like 10+ Ks and 4+ walks. Greene in moderation.
Slade Cecconi – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.27. Whew, I nearly streamed him. Thank you, self control! Streamonator too, which hates him.
Ezequiel Tovar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .275, and 2nd homer in three games. Ezequiel Tovar sounds as Old Testament-y as names get and he got Biblical on the Padres.
Ryan McMahon – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .308, and hitting around .330 in away games vs. .274 in home games. Call him Nayr NohaMcM.
Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Yeah, but has the same bat speed as Javy Baez, so bleh.
Gavin Stone – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Wanna take your brain for a moment and sprinkle into a little something called “knowledge.” And that “knowledge” is that everyone wanted Stone last year because they thougth he’d be as good as Grayson Rodriguez. This is not out of nowhere.
Luke Raley – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Mitch Haniger – 3-for-3 and his 6th homer. This homer was off James McArthur, who has been exactly that: Off. Bring us the head of John Schreiber! And the rest of his body too.Not looking for the head of a committee. Want a whole closer.
Nelson Velazquez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. Ya know I love me some Velazquez. Find Cuba and some fantasy value, you freakin’ conquistador!
Erick Fedde – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. White Sox/Nats doubleheader was dubbed the “Who can get traded out of here 1st?” lottery.
Eloy Jimenez – 3-for-7, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th homer. Eloy is ranked around 400 on the Player Rater. Roster percentage is at 99%. So, he’s rostered everywhere and sucks with only Utility eligibility. Good stuff, fellas and five ellas!
Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy here with You & Me & Andrew Vaughn Makes Three Homers!
Bryan Ramos – Removed from the game with quad tightness. Ramos had shown remarkable durability until he put on a White Sox uniform.
Trevor Williams – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.94. “We’re here in New York as we wait for the NL Cy Young announcement. The finalists are Ranger Suarez, Reynaldo Lopez and Trevor Williams.”
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .290. Kicking myself that I only have Jeffers in one league. He was affordable in drafts, and the perfect catcher punt. I love perfect punts, like Reggie Roby!
Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.89. Oh, thank you for not roping me in again.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Ya know what’s kinda funny in an unfunny way? When Rodon is good, he’s usually just straight filth. This year? He’s boring good.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting .236. “Wow, how about that swing speed!” He exclaimed as he pushed his glasses off the bridge of his nose.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in two games, and 17th homer in five games. ABC! Always Be Celling!
Ronel Blanco – Ejected for sticky stuff. Here, I thought a guy could totally develop a league-best changeup at the age of 30. Thousands of fantasy owners simultaneously sending messages to their commissioner to have scoring adjustments done to all past Ronel Blanco starts. Speaking of commissioners, Commissioner Rob Manfred said Ronel Blanco is the first time an Astros player has ever cheated.
