Here’s what Hunter Brown (6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.41) is going to be next year, at least in casual leagues: A sleeper who will start to get inflated as we get closer to the season, and then will be an ace next year and I’ll say he was a sleeper, and you’ll say, “He was not a sleeper,” and I’ll say, “I’m rubber, you’re glue,”and you’ll say, “What?” Kinda crazy how you can see patterns like “starters break out in their third year” and ignore all signs that’s wrong. Well, whatever, Brown will be in his third season next year! Giddy up! Also, yesterday, Rhett Lowder (6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.87) did more than give you the news. Here’s what I said previously, “Now we just need Lowder to face Ober, so we can get the MTV News followed by Remote Control. Maybe someone can find Roman Quinn, so Quinn can introduce Lowder. I’d mention Seth Brown, but Brown was busy going downtown as evidenced by his wOBA, wOBA, wOBA. So, Itch’s said of Lowder, “A decorated career at Wake Forest pushed Lowder up draft boards and landed him in Cincinnati at 7th overall. He’s an interesting fit. He’s an interesting fit in an unforgiving ballpark, where his plus control and command should help keep the damage mostly limited to solo home runs. We could nitpick at his fastball efficacy or ultimate topside, but he’s gone 26-and-3 in his last two seasons, covering 219.2 innings with a 1.05 WHIP, and I’d whip Grey with my belt.” What on earth, man! Lowder’s command in the minors this year is so pristine, I’d give him a flyer in most leagues. Maybe Zebby Matthews with more Ks. That’s worth rocking out to like you’re on the Headbangers Ball.” And that’s me quoting Itch and me! Both of these guys could be aces in the limited time we have left. Geez, it’s depressing when I put it like that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Tucker – Could be activated today. Feel like we need to have a heart-to-heart. Tucker is great if healthy. He could barely run and stay healthy long enough to get activated. Do you think the Astros are going to push him or try to give him plenty of rest while trying to get him right for the playoffs? You expecting a lot from Tucker; you also might believe in unicorns; you might be holding out hope for a little green man to lead you to a pot of gold. Sorry, tough love, but Lucky Charms is a cereal.
Ty France – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. Now five homers in a month with the Reds, and hitting near-.320. He will absolutely be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because of course. I see London, I see Ty France, I see someone hotter than Salma Hayek in underpants.
Christian Moore – Sounds like he tore his meniscus, but the Angels are saying they’re going to rehab him, which makes sense for their organization. Why recommend he have surgery and allow him to rehab it so he’s good to go next year when they can shut him down, then he can re-injure it next year and miss next year too?
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He’s Bette Midler and Corey Seager is Barbara Hershey in Beaches, and Adolis’s Midler was sick of Seager’s Hershey stealing his spotlight, so with Hershey gone Midler excelled. Or Adolis just happened to get into a pitch. Either or!
Cody Bradford – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Already want to draft Bradford for next year. Say it with me now, it’s a sickness!
Austin Hays – Hit the IL with a kidney infection. I’ve been to the hospital twice with kidney stones, so I’m not even going to make fun and tempt fate. Get well soon!
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Not too bad for a 1st round pick! His 14th homer tied Travis d’Arnaud for 119th overall on the top home run charts. Next up is Andrew Benintendi with 15!
Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (29) and legs (6). Boom-donkadonk!
Luke Raley – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s kinda meh, and not sure he’s actually hot, but he could be. Raley? Yes, Raley.
Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.36. I’m dreaming about a Bryan Woo who can go 100 pitches…[wavy lines for a dream sequence]…Bryan Woo throws 5 2/3 IP…[wavy lines]…Oh, hunh, that was a kinda boring dream.
Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, and his 34th and 35th homer, hitting .298. He could hit 40 homers and .300. Next year he’s gonna be in a minor league park. What’s not to lofe–Ugh, I almost typed that whole thing with only my drool.
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Sonavabench! Started Albert Suarez this week instead of Ranger, and wish I could say it was simply mixing up my Suarezes. Oh no, it’s much dumber. I purposely did it.
Bryson Stott – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Stott’s entertainment!
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.04. Can’t help but chuckle every time I think about the Comatose Braves Fan who wakes to hear about how great Lopez and Sale are and imagining what that means. “Plus, we have Strider, Acuña, Albies, Riley–” Guy, maybe you take a nap.
Michael Toglia – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (22) and legs (7), hitting .216. 13 of those homers since July 1st. Though, he didn’t even have a starting job much before that. He had four homers in April in only 14 games.
Ezequiel Tovar – 2-for-4 and a slam (22) and legs (6), hitting .270. Getting the sense that Tovar’s going to be a little bit undervalued next year. He is around top 75 overall on the Player Rater. Feels like a 100 to 125 overall draft pick next year.
Austin Gomber – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Fun fact! No one with the last name Gomber has ever been taken serious.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer. Haunted me all year. Figured for sure at some point it would stop. It being Profar and everything he’s done this year. It never ended. It will start ending April 1st of next year. (No, it won’t and he will haunt me for another year.)
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. The bad news is he had the long-feared dreadful season. The good news, it’s no longer long-feared.
Martin Perez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.46 vs. Casey Mize – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.30. This matchup was billed as, “You don’t want either of these guys, and somehow they were still better than my stream of Albert Suarez vs. the White Sox. Not still bitter at all!”
Taj Bradley – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Early on it looked like yet another awful start — 4 ER in his 1st three innings — but Taj settled in and ended putting up a decent start. Streamonator hates his next, and I wouldn’t start him in any mixed league, unless desperate.
Pablo Lopez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at…Guess. C’mon, you know he’s struggled this year. Okay, I’ll give you a number and you tell me if his ERA is over or under: 4.05.
Max Kepler – Hit the IL. Damn, did he reach the Twins’ Bermuda Triangle of 16 homers? Don’t go near 16 homers, Twins hitters! The Twins called up DeShawn Kiersey Jr. His parents could’ve honored senior and just named him DeSecond Kiersey. Oh well. DSKJ went 14/36/.292 in Triple-A, but is a bit old, so might be a Quad-A player without a starting job.
Matt Wallner – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Or five more homers until he is trapped in the in-between IL world.
Edouard Julien – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Ugh, okay, but I want Royce Lewis to play 2nd base now! You promised! You being Baldelli.
Byron Buxton – Felt pain in his hip during a rehab game. Byron Buxton’s middle name is Renewed Soreness. Bit clunky which is why he doesn’t use it.
Jake Irvin – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.28. Now managed two incredibly terrible starts back-to-back vs. two of the worst hitting teams. Doing things previously thought unthinkable. That’s like having the world record for the longest fart on a first date. Nice record, bro!
Andres Chaparro – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .233. Was gonna point out how those three homers are in such a small sample size, but saw that’s in roughly 75 ABs, and my water got lukewarm.
Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Exactly the type that you should feel fine cutting if you need to, but Streamonator likes his next one, so no reason to Slap Chop him off your team.
Blake Snell – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.62. Ugh, you want better from your Opener. [intern whispers in ear] Oh, what? They just pulled him because he struggled in the 1st? What are they saving Snell for? He’s walking into free agency in three weeks. Are they saving him so he’s better on another team next year? Someone make sense of this. Please.
