Yankees fans put on A Tribe Called Quest and sing, “We’ve got the Jazz…We’ve got the Jazz…We’ve got the Jazz…We’ve got the Jazz…We’ve got the Jazz…We’ve got the Jazz…We’ve got the Jazz…” Of course, the Yankees have great players; they always do. I’m sorry, I’m not a Yankees fan, but it’s just true. This year they not only have great players, but they have cool players. The coolness factor just went up an Emeril notch with the addition of Jazz Chisholm Jr. (1-for-5, 1 run, 23rd steal). Yankees get Jazz, Yacht Rock to Miami. Boone batted him 5th yesterday, because Boone is low-key an idiot, but I think Yankees order will become Jazz, Sexy, Judge. Is this an MLB lineup or a Tinder date with Judge Judy? Turn your nose up to Judge Judy? Sure, bro. She’s worth $480 million! I’ll be the Judge of that! Yankees said they don’t have Jazz’s position finalized. I’d put Jazz at 2nd and Gleyber at 3rd, but Boone loves him some DJ LeMahieu. Boone is saying Jazz could play 3rd, which is honestly hilarious, but give us that position eligibility. If Jazz can elevate his swing in New York, then it’s elevator music, and he could be in for a huge power surge. If nothing else, out of the Marlins’ lineup takes this as a positive. Better lineup, better park, better vibes? I see why the Yankees fans are singing Tribe. It could be a big two months. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
J.D. Davis – Designated for assignment, i.e., Just Designated Davis.
Kutter Crawford – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60. Kutter? I’m about to cut you! (Destroyed him, like he destroyed my ratios.) Streamonator had this start as a negative, so I’m trying to hold tight, since this was a bad matchup.
Danny Jansen – Sent to the Red Sox. Reese McGuire was DFA’d for his 2nd worst day of the week. He’s gonna need to park in his personal spot in the Dollar Tree parking lot labeled, “Handi-cupped.” Would love to see Jansen play 1st base and play every day. That would take his value to the moon. I like values going to the moon. Moon values are good. [handshake, manshake, moonshake] The wall doesn’t hurt either, but what’s kinda funny is I went to get you some actual stats and he’s hit .184 in Fenway in 87 ABs. Meh, it’s irrelevant. He was facing the Sawx pitchers as a visitor. When it’s your home facing garbagey Jays’ pitching, it’s a whole new ballgame. This should turn the job in Toronto back to Kirk, and beam me up, Scotty, to a planet where any other catcher is available. Going the other way in the Jansen trade was Cutter Coffey. Dreams of an all-Cutter/Kutter team in Beantown evaporate like an R at the end of a word in Southie.
Jesse Winker – Traded to the Mets. Oh, I see what’s going on here. You can’t spell Muppets without Mets. First, Grimace now they got Beaker:
Jesse Winker is 4′ 11″ without his neck pic.twitter.com/KUAi3wh6b0
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 9, 2019
Winker was a 24-homer guy in Cincy, and that’s the most ideal environment for him. Now, in the final two months, roughly a 7/7/.260 guy. It’s totally fine, but more valuable for the Mets than likely for you. For those in deep leagues, I think this hurts Tyrone Taylor and kills DJ Stewart. Watch yo’self, Red Alert, it’s a bad year to be a DJ in New York.
Kodai Senga – Out 8-10 weeks with a high-grade calf injury, and done for the season. I could take a victory lap by telling you to avoid him, but I thought he’d come back and re-injure his arm, and I’m afraid if I take a victory lap God will punish me with a calf injury.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Albombso!
Spencer Schwellenbach – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.06. I’d say Streamonator or Schweamonator, but the Braves could also trade for an SP by tomorrow, then again:
Reynaldo Lopez – Left his start with forearm tightness. What, he can’t handle a 50-inning jump from one year to next? Geez. Now he’s surely going to miss his start vs. the MIA Marlins, and likely much more. And don’t call me Shirley!
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Get hot, you ess oh bee!
Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. See 1/8th of an inch above. Or six inches if one of five girl readers are reading.
Kevin Gausman – 9 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.44, as he threw 118 pitches. Ha, someone wants off the Jays, and he might get his wish. Actually, if you play for the Jays, and you’re reading this, you might start booking your Travelocity tickets now.
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Carson Kelly – Traded to the Rangers for. Dot dot dot. Why?
Jon Gray – Hurt his groin before his start. Last time he prepares for a start by taking advice from Chris Elliott.
Josh H. Smith – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (7), hitting.282. Mean’s while, Josh Jung helped an old lady cross the street.
Jack Suwinski – Optioned to Triple-A. Such a minor move (literally?), but this surprised me. I had more faith in him than the club. That rarely happens.
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I’d be the happiest little boy on earth if he reaches 30 homers.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, third homer in the week. The schmotato continuez.
Yilber Diaz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Four walks in 5 IP? Yilber more like Won’tber for me.
Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.76, and his 4th blown save. If Sewald were in trouble of losing his closer job (doubtful), I’d go Ginkel before Puk. Said a’la Ace Ventura, “Ginkel…Puk….Puk….Ginkel!”
Jason Adam – Traded to the Padres to be a setup man. He’s solid, but the Padres sent their 2022 1st round pick Dylan Lesko, Homer Bush Jr. and JD Gonzalez. Hate someone as much as Preller hates prospects.
Tyler Phillips – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.80. If you’re a pitcher with no expectations, get in that line over there where it says, “Will be great.” Pitchers with expectations, get in that other line that says, “You suck.” The great thing about what Phillips is doing is he’s showing pinpoint command. Anyone works if they have a BB/9 under 1. Will that continue? He had a 3.6 BB/9 in Triple-A this year! What is going on?
Carlos Estevez – Traded to the Phils. Phillies somehow always have zero closers and three closers simultaneously. So, expect Estevez gets at least 33% of the saves? Prolly closer (pun?) to 60%. They seem to like to use Hoffman in all innings they need him, and Alvarado isn’t trustworthy. Could see the pen breaking down as 60/35/5 with Estevez/Hoff/Alvarado.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, third homer in two games. Screams to the heavens, “Schwarbombs!”
Jhonkensy Noel – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. HONK-SEE!
Luis Garcia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.71, and his 1st save. With Estevez gone, Garcia will be the closer, until he’s traded in the next day and Ben Joyce takes over.
Seth Lugo – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.66. Damn, Seth Lugo got out of line and onto the end of the “You suck,” line.
Cole Ragans – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.37. Did another trade with BDon, this time it was Jhoan Duran for Ragans. I didn’t like Ragans coming into the year, because of his price, but I need an SP and had RPs to spare. Decided to do the trade even though it’s less mockworthy than when BDon sent me Judge for Hader and Robert Suarez.
Nate Pearson – Traded to the Cubs. See people questioning whether this makes the Cubs buyers. Does buying a lottery ticket make one a millionaire? More confused why the Jays would sell him. They got back Yohendrick Pinango, who was clearly traded because the confusion when people yelled his name and Kyle Hendricks would come.
Isaac Paredes – Traded to the Cubs for Christopher Morel. This doesn’t make them buyers either, but it does make them big fans of Ethel Merman, and clearly skeptical of Statcast, because Paredes is a minus 13 on homers in Wrigley vs. Tampa. If being honest, I think that “how many homers in this park” stat is more art than science, because guys can adjust to their park. My guess for two months is this is a neutral move for Paredes. Cubs and Rays both stink for hitting, and Paredes is power-only. Why did the Cubs and Rays make this trade of Paredes/Morel? Anyone’s guess!
Javier Assad – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. This was in only 81 pitches, and I still worry Assad is only a 4-5 IP pitcher. Streamonator hates his next one, but it seems okay.
Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .210, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in a little over a week. Wisdom is a hot schmotato? Smart!
Zack Littell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.18. I love that cry for help!
Jeffrey Springs – Activated to start on Tuesday. Okay, Robbie Ray, Springs, Kershaw, that’s the order.
Christopher Morel – Traded to the Rays. I’m thinking Morel stonks up, and hoping so like a mushroom farmer. My incredibly worried face is because he’s a righty. He either plays every day or he’s out vs. righties. One is great, one is the end of his value. Now it’s up to the Rays — Cash rules everything around me! Unlike Paredes, Morel’s Statcast is helped by this move, but he really just needs to make contact. Rays do run more, so no L there.
Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.97. We’ve reached the point of the program where Hunter Greene could throw a no-hitter every time out.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Au Shizz!
Michael Toglia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He has nine homers in July. Or same as Yandy Diaz, Max Muncy and Cody Bellinger have on the year.
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2walks, 15 Ks, ERA at 5.10. Snell post-ASB = Bob Gibson.
Hayden Birdsong – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Jordan Hicks who!? He’s the Giants’ starter who is moving to the pen. It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice. ‘Jordan Hicks who’ is no figure of speech.
Nick Gonzales – Hit the IL with a groin strain. TMI!
Jose Miranda – Left the game after taking a melonballer off the coconut. Somehow, even when it’s no fault of their own, the Twins hitters get hurt.
Bailey Ober – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Where, and I cannot emphasize this enough but I will pause to attempt to emphasize it, has this been? Give me two months of this, the good shizz!
Gavin Lux – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he bats third, and he was in Friday’s Buy column, because I lix him.
River Ryan – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.82. Streamonator has him going against the A’s next, but the A’s are sneaky good. As a poker player might think, to River or not to River?
Xavier Edwards – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, as he hit for the cycle. Ugh, I was hoping to sneak him through Sunday FAAB, but a cycle makes that a lot harder. Not saying he’s great, but he stole two bags on Saturday (7, 8), and he’s now leading off since Jazz left. X-Ed is no longer just for practicing by putting a condom on a banana.
Jackson Chourio – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, as he hit third. Get those jacks off, Jackson!
Devin Williams – 1 IP, 0 ER, as he was activated from the IL. My guess is he’ll be the closer, but it never hurts to wait to see a save or three before dropping his Mefill in.
Bryan Woo – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.35 vs. the Shite Sox, as he exited with a hamstring injury, because: Woo. He says he’ll be fine for his next start. I’m sure. Ow, eye roll headache.
Cal Raleigh – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, 2nd homer in two games too. Two-two is also what comes out of his giant ass after he says, “Here comes the train!”
Garrett Crochet – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.23. Crochet threw 64 pitches through three innings, then held up a contract to extend him into the 4th inning, but no dice.
