Sometimes your life is tough. They don’t tell you that at first, but then either a wary parent or an honest teacher gives you the straight dope. “The reason things are tough is because life is tough,” they’ll say, either with a slight melancholy or an aggressive bark in their voice. They will tell you that struggling builds character, or resilience, or even chest hair. The ones who bring up chest hair are very stubborn on this point, and are either starring in a Dad Role in a 1950’s greaser movie, or a B-list comedian popping in a party scene in a Netflix teen drama that gives your brain the positive shock of, “Oh, it’s that comedian!” so you can try to forget that this may be the 1,000th episode of television where teenagers navigate the pitfalls of the dreaded “HOUSE PARTY.”
Sidebar: I’m sure my shows had some kind of similar scene echoing the distinct anxiety that comes with wandering into a large party that should absolutely be busted by the cops and concerned neighbors within 20 minutes of its start. Watching actors play drunk is obnoxious on its face, teenage actors (or tiny 30-year-olds pretending to be teenagers) pretending to be wasted is gilding the lily. I understand that we are in the Internet Age of Television, where shows are shot with multiple 4K cameras, and streaming networks aren’t afraid to let directors and editors “get kooky” with filters, practical effects, and even non-linear storytelling!
I’m here as a man, telling you, show creators, that I don’t need to see what a high school gathering looks like from the first-person perspective in a long take! No more solo cup towers! No more bathroom make-out scenes! No more accidentally filling the house with foam! No more underdogs losing their V card with a universal 10! No more bouncy castle labyrinths! No more jello-shot swimming pools! No more clambaking the panic room! No more backseat stomach pumping! No more speedball paintball massacres! No more accidental drownings at the beer pong table! No more getting stuck in the washing machine or under the coffee table! No more step-porn! Unless it’s a Stepford Wives parody, which I’m sure exists. Or strep throat porn. Hmm. Can you tell that I slept two hours last night as I write this? Who needs drugs when you can try to write an already nonsensical baseball-adjacent article while your eyes are rolling back in your head? Not me! I sure don’t!
I’ll just say this: Watch party scenes from any teenage drama from the late 80’s and the early 90’s and you will understand Gen X/Y’s concept of social cues, sexuality, and confusion about the over-use of “cringe.” Nothing is more true to life than watching child actors do a fake party in front of a live studio audience with a living room or basement set piece that had all the charm of an abandoned CVS pharmacy waiting area. There is no cringe. Only Zuul.
I led this off by saying life is tough, but the first blurb was handed to me on a silver platter by Grey. Life is still tough, but when you surround yourself with good people and a film crew, then you end up pitching a Netflix multi-season show that takes place at a single high school party. Onwards to the blurbs!
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
Boy Scout’s Flowery Diction Badge– examining how words create meaning, and sometimes destroy meaning altogether
Mathletics Participation Ribbon – Quantitative and Qualitative Oddities in a given blurb
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
Bob Nightengale Memorial Plaque – blurbs don’t always need to make sense, friendo
Max Scherzer Crown of Leaking Insane Rage – blurbs so angry at a player it’s uncomfortable
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers in the comments section. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Bob Nightengale Memorial Plaque
Angels activated 3B Anthony Rendon from the 60-day injured lust.
Rendon returns from a 2 1/2-month absence without a rehab assignment because it’s the Angels and no one really cares. He’ll alternate between third base and DH for now. He might offer some value in deeper mixed leagues while healthy.
Source: Rotoworld
Lust. 60-day injured lust. Not to be cheap, but I think we’ve all had lust for an injured Rendon. Will he or won’t he? If we don’t pick him up, then he’ll break out on someone else’s team, right? Oh, I’m sorry. This lust applies to the last two years at least? So it’s a 324-game injured lust? While we’re talking about my lust for stashing guys about to come off the injured lust, let’s give credit where it’s due.
The snark applied to almost every Angels player’s blurbs has been a definitive salve against picking up Angels players. No wishy-washy “hey this guy could be pretty good in a different lineup” stuff, just straight-up bile regarding line-up placement and overall quality of the regulars. Props to that.
However, to be so blunt in said description regarding the state of the team, only to recommend Anthony “I seem not exactly motivated to play the game of baseball” Rendon as an option in mixed leagues speaks to the inexact nature of blurb analysis in the year of our Bored 2024. It’s like when you have an HVAC guy over to your house, and tells you the air conditioner has a crack and leaking. He tells you that according to his records, the company advised you to replace the unit two years ago, but you ignored him because they came during the Autumn season, and you thought you could delay the inevitable because property taxes had spiked to an unreasonable level, and you were trying to stretch your dollar out. Then it turned out your condo association appealed the property tax increase, so you could replace that unit. However, your refrigerator broke down suddenly so suddenly it’s two years later.
And after all that, the HVAC guy smiles and says, “Sure, it’s leaking and will damage the floor and the ceiling below, but you can still technically have it function as an air conditioner, even as it slowly transforms into a potential villain character in the next Brave Little Toaster movie.”
That is how this blurb is like an HVAC guy telling you that your damaged appliance needs to be replaced, but also that it’s fine to use. And this last sentence is how I explain a simile to an unspecified group of readers. The sentence previous to this was an instance of me explaining a joke in a way that heightens the meta-comedic bit.
It reminds me of that terribly confusing RW waiver article recommending you pick up MJ Melendez a month or so ago, even though he had been objectively terrible for more than a full season, and also had no indicators that positive regression or a change in approach was forthcoming. A quick update on that: Melendez not good still. Told you it would be quick! Howasabout we talk s’more about catchers!
Boy Scouts Flowery Diction Badge
Patrick Bailey went 2-for-2 with a home run, three runs scored, and three walks against the Blue Jays on Wednesday.
Bailey was perfect at the plate on Wednesday, reaching in all five plate appearances. He drew a walk in the first inning and scored on a base hit by Thairo Estrada. After drawing another walk in the second, Bailey singled and scored once again in the fifth. He walked for a third time in the sixth before going yard with a solo homer in the ninth. The 25-year-old backstop is hitting a solid .280/.356/.430 with seven homers and 30 RBI across 248 plate appearances.
Source: Rotoworld
This was a great performance by Bailey, but I’ve noticed a pattern regarding Rotoworld’s coverage of Patrick Bailey. There are some players that Rotoworld – a website founded on the principle that blurbs need to come hot and fast with decent fantasy analysis – decides to entirely forget the fantasy context for their analysis. Bailey has been plenty good this year, especially on the defensive end of things. But as President Lincoln once said, “No one’s playing in a league with defensive stats. Now, someone please fetch me my dexedrine from the medicine cabinet. I’m not gaunt enough for my daguerreotype.”
Just 26 plate appearances earlier, you had this similar IRL gushing:
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
Patrick Bailey went 2-for-5 with three RBI on Sunday in the Giants’ lopsided victory over the Dodgers.
Bailey’s impressive offensive breakout continued in this one with run-scoring doubles in the fourth and eighth inning, respectively, as part of a 10-run, 16-hit offensive explosion for San Francisco in this one. The 25-year-old backstop holds an impressive .284/.353/.433 triple-slash line with six homers and two steals in 222 plate appearances through 59 games so far.
Source: Rotoworld
I looked up Bailey on the Player Rater. I checked his ranks on the Season/Last 30 Days/Last 14 Days/Last 7 Days filter, and it was ugly as you can expect. In a standard 5×5 12 team mixed league in Yahoo, his highest rank as of Wednesday night was in the 300’s overall, and that was his Last 14 Games ranking. He’s walking a lot, which helps in OBP leagues, but otherwise fits the bill of a solid number two catcher who won’t kill you in average, but otherwise provides the intensely boring counting stats of a guy on the cusp of relevance. And yet, their advice as of two June 23rd was, “He’s playing well enough and starting often enough that he can be rostered in one-catcher leagues far more regularly.”
For fantasy purposes, no he’s not producing enough in a standard league to warrant rostering over criminally under-owned Shea Langeliers. Unless you need, uh, batting average or OBP, he is not in the conversation for catchers. Why are we even having this conversation? Look what they (Rotoworld) did to my boy (me). They (Rotoworld) massacred my boy (me).
I need to sleep now. Lord knows the moment I hit submit, I will be suddenly charged with alien energy that dissipates the moment I need to take care of any responsibility.
