[opens Pixies Wiki page] Francis Bowden aka Bowden Francis aka Bowden Black aka Francis Black has influenced so many baseball players, such as Luke Weezer, Ramon Nirvana Jr., Smasherino Pumpquez and Radio Cabeza. Ha-Seong Kim was tight with him, then Kim and him split, then came back together, then broke up again, then came back but as a different Kim. So, I remember seeing Bowden Francis (7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.38) in Spring Training, and was impressed, then he disappeared into the minors again. You open his MiLB stats page and you get a pinwheel because the page takes too long to load. No one should have 561 IP in the minors. One thing he has shown the last two years is pinpoint command. This year he’s been working with a splitter more, and it’s taken him to a 2.49 ERA, 0.74 WHIP and .171 BAA in his last four starts. There’s no track record here, and the last two starts were weak opponents, so be careful, but I’m ready to see if this former Doolittle can give me a month of Best Of’s. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Joey Loperfido – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I already gave this guy five chances…[stops getting angry, starts bopping head] He can’t hurt me because I’m listening to Steely Dan. The Man gave me the news, he said, ‘You must be joking son. Where did you get those shoes…’” Pretzel Logic is a perfect album, not a bad song either.
Elias Diaz – Released by the Rockies. Okay, I’m not saying he’s Johnny Bench Jr. He is not even Johnny Oates Jr. But! Again with stank — BUT! He was hitting .270 with the exact same OPS+ as last year when he was the NL All-Star Game MVP and the Rockies released him, so they could play the 34-year-old Jacob Stallings. Oh, and the trade deadline was two weeks ago! They released him and got nothing! Literally any team would’ve gave them something for him. The Rockies are the most crackers franchise. In their head, they have literal marbles.
Carlos Rodon – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.34. I can still remember distinctly during the preseason when some ‘perts were saying Rodon was a steal around 180 overall in drafts. Those ‘perts are now touting fantasy football.
Keider Montero – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.28. Looked at the Streamonator to see his next start, saw the A’s, held my nose and put in waiver claims for him.
Jasson Dominguez – 0-for-4 as he was called up. Way to bury the lede, Grey! Wow! This is amazing! Holy crap–He was sent right back down. Can someone kidnap Verdugo for roughly 40 days? No? Okay, well, Dominguez will be back in 14 days, according to sources.
Clay Holmes – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.88, and the blown save. Hey, has Clay Holmes ever converted a save? I have a bet with someone saying he has.
Zack Littell – Hit the IL with shoulder fatigue. It’s pronounced fay-tee-gay. It’s Italian.
Jeffrey Springs – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Springs springs eternal! This em-effer is poetic! His peripherals look the best out of any of the pitchers who have returned from Tommy John during Return From Tommy John Month. Looks like he’s picking up right where he left off.
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and has been a schmotato for about a month. Also, in this game, Jose Caballero (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) stole three bags (33, 34, 35) and I’m only saying this because I needed those steals so bad and I didn’t get them! Damn it!
Adrian Del Castillo – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .310, and was in Friday’s Buy, and allowed six steals, so I don’t know if this is going to work for as long as I’d like.
Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.85. Don’t ever call a pitcher an ace, because that’ll mean they’re gonna suck. Sorry, these are facts.
Nick Lodolo – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.55. You think he can be an ace? You stupid fool! You imbecile! Die, fantasy ratios, die! Even worse! Die by the hand of Dairon Blanco!
Hunter Greene – Hit the IL with elbow soreness, but the MRI on his elbow looked good, no structural damage. The only problem was IT’S AN MRI ON HIS ELBOW. But, ya know, otherwise, great!
Amed Rosario – Claimed by the Reds. How’s his fastball? He should play over Noelvi, who should be sent down. Will that happen? No idea.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.33. Sonavabench! The favorite move of mine is when I start a pitcher who gets rocked and bench a great start. Fantastic!
Dairon Blanco – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (4) and legs (22), and 3rd homer in two games. Now we marvel for Da Iron Man! Okay, done? I’m sorry, I don’t want be a wet blanket, but he only faced lefties and when a righty was brought in he was removed. That makes him less the Da Iron Man valuable and more Da Iron in a Flintstones vitamin valuable.
Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Trying for the first month, besides March, where he has an ERA under 3.90. Like Tarantino might say, quite a feat!
Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .231. Leads the Twins in homers, but Carlos Santana (1-for-3) hit his 18th so there’s a close race Twins’ homer race! Unless you count Jose and Ozzie Canseco, then they’re blowing them away.
Josh Jung – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer. It’s only in 21 games though, so, well, is that impressive? Royce Lewis would have 46 homers in 21 games.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting .301. Also, in this game, Yainer Diaz (2-for-4) hit his 13th homer. This was vs. the Shite Sux. Sadly, this weekend the White Sox were eliminated. That’s right, MLB eliminated the White Sox by drone. Sorry, if you were a fan, but you’re better off.
George Kirby – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Thank you for not crapping the bed twice in one week, and for agreeing to date your last game’s scorer’s sister to chop some of those earned runs off your line.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .211. To the tune of All My Exes Live In Texas, “All my asses are catchers…”
Joey Bart – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .277. Can’t remember the last time the Pirates did good picking a guy up off waivers, but they absolutely housed the Bart pickup. Maybe he just needed to get away from San Fran because it was too much pressure to also provide public transportation.
Andrew McCutchen – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. The dreaded McClutchin. Oh, wait, he’s no longer dreaded.
Bobby Miller – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 8.02 as he was called up with Tyler Glasnow going to the IL with a made-up injury. Or, I’m sorry, it just happens that Glasnow got hurt right when Miller returned. A totally plausible scenario.
Ben Casparius – Called up by the Dodgers to work out of the pen. Dodgers said, “We have one healthy pitcher, so we were like, ‘How about we have two?’”
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5 and his 39th homer. He’s hitting near-.200 in the last month. All he’s doing is hitting homers and stealing bases. My God I love him! You can’t tell me he’s not going for 50/50.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Kinda bummed he’s out-pitching Robbie Ray since their respective returns, but shouldn’t be surprised. I know Kershaw’s not exactly underrated, but sometimes when you’re in the company of greatness, ya gotta stop to admire, and doff the ol’ ball cap. Crap, your toupee lifted with your hat. Yeah, everyone saw.
Freddie Freeman – Will undergo CT scans on his middle finger on Monday. After his pain was worse on Sunday than it was on Saturday, i.e., Freddie got middle fingered.
Michael Kopech – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.91, and his 11th save, and 2nd save this weekend. It’s interesting to see how long it takes a MLB manager to realize who their best arm is to close. In this case, it’s an obvious timeline. Dodgers had no closer since July 31st, the day Kopech joined them. It took 17 days for the most obvious bit of knowledge to make its way through Dave Roberts’s brain. “Don’t go down there, it’s just highlights of him stealing 2nd in the playoffs.” That’s a thought passing memory lane in Roberts’s brain.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Remind me not to draft any starters next year and just pick up arms off waivers. Sonny Gray or Colin Rea? Gray or Lively? Gray or Albert Suarez? And this is just guys who pitched yesterday.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.00. An actual decent start in a non-favorable matchup? No way!
Colin Rea – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Fun fact! Caroline Rhea lives around the corner from me. Sometimes I’ll see her and say, “I streamed you today.” Other times I’ll say, “You’re xERA is awful.” Then other times I’ll say, “I will pick up Ted’s poop today and not put a leaf on top of it while pretending to pick it up.”
Ben Lively – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. The MLB washout to Korea pipeline is so fruitful. If Patrick Corbin went to KBO and came back at 40, I’d draft him.
Osvaldo Bido – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.40. The command is a bit of a mess, and the peripherals under-the-hood are best left there, but that’s now three of four solid starts and four of five. I’m intrigued, y’all! His next start is vs. the Rays at home, and I’m gonna make an itty-Bido misvake and grab him.
JP Sears – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.15 vs. Blake Snell – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.67. This matchup was a Bay Area showdown, but wait until next year when it’s SacTown vs. San Fran. Who in San Fran doesn’t love a Sac?
Michael Conforto – 1-for-1 and his 13th homer. He’s the only Giants player who hasn’t had an insane schmotato run. Let’s insane run!
Jerar Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Jerar Depardieu Encarnacion is a platoon bat vs. lefties, who looks like he could hit .210, but sounds like he bicycles around Paris.
Brayan Bello – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.80 vs. Cade Povich – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.77 as he was recalled. This matchup was billed as, “So much potential. Dot dot dot. For ulcers.” Povich is interesting for keeper leagues (and Bello, actually), but he’s a massive work-in-progress (Bello too).
Albert Suarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18. You’re 100% better off with a guy off waivers than the first starter you drafted. Maybe a small exaggeration, but only very small.
Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer, and 4th homer in five games. He has 77 RBIs. Same-ish as Spencer Steer and Cal Raleigh.
Adley Rutschman – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .266, as he returned to the starting lineup and was batting 5th. He was hitting .218 in the last month. Sadley.
Austin Riley – X-rays on his hand were inconclusive for fractures. Usually x-rays are done while there’s still swelling, they show nothing, then the swelling subsides, and bingo-bango there’s fractures. Don’t shoot the messenger. Actually, don’t shoot anyone. [holds up a Ben & Jerry’s Imagine Whirled Peace pint and two spoons]
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in the last two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Cristopher Sanchez – 9 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.46. This makes me long for Ranger Suarez. Where is he? Can I write him a card? I miss him. What’s that? The Phils said he’s returning next Saturday? Great! Vs. the Royals? Crap.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .311. Treat Urner joined Brandon Marsh (1-for-4) who hit his 12th homer, and Bryson Stott (1-for-4) who hit his 9th. Or simply, it’s Brott Summer.
Keibert Ruiz – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Keibert said, “!^&%@*&(!”
Alex Call – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .356, 2nd homer in as many games. Prolly my number one hot schmotato right now. Add him everywhere and Call if you forgot your password, and you know you know you know I’ll be around.
James Wood – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .284. He’s played in only 42 games and he’s 21. Exclamation exclamation wow.
Luis Severino – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.91. If you give me a starter at home vs. the MIA Marlins, I will take it every day and twice on Muesday, the magical day between Monday and Tuesday. Streamonator hates his next, so bye-bye.
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Just needed for me to say sell him, and he got hot. You’re welcome! Though, he also hurt his shoulder. My voodoo that I do!
Valente Bellozo – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.45. El Bozo lives on! Long live El Bozo! El Bozo is a throwback to when the Marlins could do no wrong with pitching. Way back to, well, the beginning of last year-ish. He has extremely great command, and I’m ready to get involved in The Bozo. Hopefully, I don’t look like a clown.
Max Meyer – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.58. Sent a letter to The Hague about the cruelty of the Marlins continuing to start Meyer. Will see what they say, I put it care of “Your Most Senior Gaming Official.” I wrote, “Dear John, Not actually John, but that’s what you write when you don’t know who to address. Any hoo! The Marlins won’t shut down Max Meyer and they must to save his arm. Can someone there do something? Oh, and Rob Manfred wants to institute a rule that says every starter must go 6 IP. Can we waterboard someone? If you’re not, like, Mr. Waterboard, can you direct me to who that is?”
