This is from the Wikipedia entry for former Brewers’ manager, Harvey Kuenn:
That made me howl. “Otherwise respectable” is so funny there. “Kuenn was fired as manager with an otherwise respectable 87-75 record in 1983. Make sure you put in ‘otherwise respectable.’” That’s the Ghost of Harvey Kuenn dictating to a Wikipedia editor, who he is haunting. Any hoo! We have not seen a resurrection of Harvey’s Wallbangers, but hopefully Bernie Brewer wore his pants with extra butt padding yesterday. The first LOUD DAMAGE came from William Contreras (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) hitting his 6th homer. We mentioned on this week’s podcast about how Contreras plays every day. Not metaphorically. Next up, Gary Sanchez (2-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. Is it me or does a Gary Sanchez sound dirtier than a Dirty Sanchez? Then, Sal Frelick (3-for-4, 3 runs,) hit his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert! Up next, Joey Ortiz (2-for-2, 2 runs) hit his 4th homer, as he hit third. Hey, I don’t care if they want to bat Ortiz third. He’s as good a candidate as any in the Brewers’ lineup, but there’s something that screams, “I have no idea what I’m doing” when you bat a guy third after platooning him out of the 8th and 9th spot in the order. Finally, Jackson Chourio (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. [gets on knees, raises head to the heavens] Please let this be the start of a hot streak by Chourio and not just “Everyone on the Brewers yesterday was otherwise respectable.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Robert Gasser – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.82 in two starts. Because I was watching Kikuchi and Bradish go 88 and 85 pitches, respectively, I missed Gasser’s 82 shovings. Speaking of “shoving” or how “a pitcher shoves,” that phrase should be retired until more than one every 35 starters throws 100 pitches. El oh el, I’m yelling at kids to get off my lawn. Any hoo! I gave you a Robert Gasser fantasy the other day.
Martin Perez – 5 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.86. The Regression Fairies came for Martin Perez and I said nothing because I did not roster Martin Perez.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .211. Pirates are hitting McCutchen leadoff based on nostalgia. If he never spent his younger–better–years on the Pirates, he’d never be batting leadoff.
Jose Butto – Sent down to Triple-A. Can’t regress if you’re not in the majors. [insert meme of Wey-Bey from The Wire shocked by the Mets’ ingenuity]
Joey Lucchesi – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, in his 1st start. Joey Lucchesi of the Cannoli Factory at the Corner of Mott looking more ass than the Butto he replaced.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Just Dong because anything else is uncivilized.
Mark Vientos – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, as he played 3rd and hit 5th. Kinda ridiculous that the Mets are supposedly rebuilding, and now platooning Vientos and Baty while playing J.D. Martinez every day, like that’s not going to get them 84 wins and eliminated with two weeks to play while never really being in any real contention.
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.37. “What do you mean you’re secretly switching your blood out with Greg Maddux’s?” That was Ranger Suarez’s wife this offseason.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Thinking about the people who said in the preseason, “Grey, handsome face, but you have Bryce Harper way too high in your rankings.” Hearing less and less from those people now.
Charlie Morton – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.52. Enjoying the process of benching him when he’s good and starting him when he’s bad. I call that The Michael King.
Mike Tauchman – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer. He’s got the Tauch! He’s got the power!
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Ugh, a home run by Seiya means he only has two more before his next 30-day absence for injury.
Javier Assad – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.49. Fun fact! Assad last pitched poorly in 1986.
Garrett Crochet – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18. If you were to throw out his terrible three starts in April, his ERA would be 1.58 in 40 IP, but if ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we’d all be diabetic squirrels.
Corey Julks – Acquired by the White Sox. They will now be the White Julks. Hmm, that doesn’t work.
Ronel Blanco – Plans to appeal his suspension for sticky stuff. Sounds like a councilman getting caught at a glory hole.
Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.95. After the game, Framber told reporters, “Ronel gave me this lovely plant before the game. It’s branches are topped with chewed Laffy Taffy hanging from the stems. Very colorful, very beautiful, and very sticky.”
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Talk of sticky stuff and then blurbing Semien? Oh you sick bastard!
Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Adolis or Josh Naylor? Which one? Not easy, right? Prolly go Naylor, but can’t fault Adolis.
Jon Gray – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.08. I’ll be real with you, I have an under-3 ERA in so many leagues, and I’m not sure how anyone’s ratios are bad. Well, besides my Tout team where I drafted only RPs. That team is an abomination. A’la Airplane, “Looks like I picked the wrong year to stop drafting cheap starters in that league.”
Aaron Judge – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. When Judge leads the majors with 45 homers on September 28th, will we remember that he started slow in April? I’m gonna say yes, but only because I’m going to remind you.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 3 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.33. Streamonator loves Stroman’s next one, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t. Mid-3 ERA pitcher facing a terrible offense at home. Yes, please and thank you.
Pablo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.93. At any moment, Pab-Lo can rattled off six weeks of 1.00 ERA pitching and appear to be the favorite for the AL Cy.
Griffin Canning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.21. Streamed Canning yesterday in a few leagues because he was facing the Cards, one of ten incredibly awful lineups in the majors.
Zach Neto – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, as he hits 8th in the Angels’ lineup, which is whatever until you realize that lineup is like the DFA All-Stars. Do they really have Willie Calhoun and Kevin Pillar hitting back-to-back at 4th and 5th? Oh, you better believe it! And benching Jo Adell? Sure, nothing makes sense!
Nolan Schanuel – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. He’s hitting leadoff because Ron Washington is spinning a Coke bottle to set his lineup. And it’s not soda.
Taylor Ward – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer. Still on pace for a solid season, but has cooled off dramatically. Cust kayin’.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Au Shizz!
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Since Jung Hoo Lee went down, Carl’s Jr. Jr. has been hitting leadoff. Is that an endorsement? Well, kinda.
Elieser Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks in his 1st start, and maybe last or maybe his 1st of 20 for the Dodgers where he has a sub-4 ERA. If Elieser pitched for any other team, he’d be a 5.50 ERA pitcher. On the Dodgers? Sub-4. Don’t ask how, I have no idea.
Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .283. I like his upside. I want to cuddle up with it late at night. Is he actually better than any hot 5th outfielder off waivers in shallow leagues? Remains to be seen, which is not a Merchant/Ivory film.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .281. Was just yawnstipated by Abreu and had a fright when I saw Devers only had one more homer. Yikes.
Tanner Houck – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.17. I see people in the comments asking about Houck vs., say, any other starter who is pitching well and available. Houck has a 2.17 ERA. Do you not have ERA in your league? Then what’s the problem?
Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Continues to be much better than I expected this year, but about as good as I expected previous years. So. Dot dot dot. Expected.
Yusei Kikuchi – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.60. I’m old enough to remember that if a guy threw 88 pitches, you’d have to search news reports to see if the pitcher was injured, and why he came out of the game early. Yusei gave up a weak single in the 5th and got yanked like this was Game 7 of the World Series. Absolutely ridiculous.
Kyle Bradish – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.63. See what I said above for Kikuchi, but this was 85 pitches.
Jordan Westburg – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, as he hit leadoff. Westburg got Movedupburg!
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .314. After a week of four homers, he’s been about as valuable as Ryan Jeffers, who you could’ve drafted 200 picks after Adley.
Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .256. Bryan De La Snooze is the top Marlin on the Player Rater. Besides Jazz, the next closest is Max Meyer, who was sent down after his April 13th start.
Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.79 vs. Casey Mize – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.50. This matchup was billed as, “Any two Marlins and Tigers pitchers facing each other will pitch well because the lineups they’re facing have such gems as Javy Baez and Nick Fortes and Colt Keith and Jake Burger and Carson Kelly and do I have to continue?”
Michael King – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.31. [King watches as people put him into their lineup when he’s in a cushy home matchup] “You’ll see how good I am now!” [laughs maniacally and pitches like he’s using his feet] ….three ulcers later… [King watches as people bench him] “Now, I am ace!”
Jordan Beck – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. This guy will do whatever you want. Just pick up your phone, and he’s at your Beck and call. I’m so sorry, that was awful. Kinda how Beck has been so far. He could turn it around though, so definitely monocle.
Brenton Doyle – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Buy/Sell is already up on the Patreon, and I really have to add Doyle, if he’s rostered in under 50%, which I don’t know. On Razzball, it says he’s at 99% owned, but we’re smarter about adding guys than some.
Alec Marsh – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Somehow his velocity was up almost 2 MPH yesterday, which gets him to around where he’s been in previous years. Looks like his BAA on 4-seamers is around .190, which is down from .256 and he’s upped his slider usage, and maybe lowered his sweeper. Hard to say, because these sites qualify pitches differently from year to year, because anything that goes horizontal makes them go sideways. What I’m saying here is I’m monocle’ing, but he looks pretty mediocre for shallower leagues, as of now.
Ty France – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. For France, that’s as good as it baguettes!
Bryan Woo – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.93. That’s how you go deeper in games! By being so insanely economical you can actually qualify for a win with only 79 pitches thrown.
Christian Walker – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. I vaguely remember the movie, The Good Shepherd. Opens with the Bay of Pigs, and then a flash forward to Christian Walker playing 1st for the DBacks. All I remember.
Brandon Pfaadt – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.17. The Pfaadt boy is back! And you know he can never be whack–Wait, did I quote The Fat Boys twice in one week? That’s so weird, he says as he strikes a B-Boy stance, then does The Worm out of his office.
Nick Lodolo – Hit the IL with a groin strain. The same week he was supposed to face the Dodgers? I hear your groin strain and I raise you a jerking off motion made while hearing a lie.
Andrew Abbott – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Have rostered Abbott all year, he has a 3.06 ERA, and I think I’ve started him, maybe, half the times he’s pitched. That might be generous. I like Abbott, in theory. It’s like this, I don’t trust his home stadium, so don’t want to start him there, and then he gets a tough road matchup and I don’t want him there either–Eek! Sorry, I thought I was typing that into the chat on the Better Help app.
