So, this is crazy, I was in the supermarket line yesterday reading about an illegitimate child that Betty White had with a Mexican man while she was protesting with Cesar Chavez, and they named him…You’re gonna wanna sit down. His name was…Ronel Blanco! WHAT?! Ronel Blanco threw a no-hitter? Shh…if you listen very closely, you can hear the one person who started Ronel Blanco on their fantasy team. Give it up for the Jays too, they made a middle reliever, who was making his 8th career start, Ronel Blanco (9 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 7 Ks) into a star. Gotta admit it’s kinda cool the way the Jays embraced April Fool’s. Well done, fellas. You totally got us! Blanco was helped by Kyle Tucker (2-for-3, 4 RBIs) and Yainer Diaz (2-for-4), who both hit their 1st and 2nd homers. So supremely nuts. 2024 MLB season, you so crazy, I want to have your baby. But not Betty White’s baby for fantasy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. That was his first homer since July 5th of last year. That, over-the-internet friend, is hilarious.
Bowden Francis – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. This monkey’s gone to heaven and threw its shizz at the walls.
Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks. On this week’s podcast, I started to realize something halfway through: There’s only like five lineups worth being worried about. There are sooooooooooo many terrible teams. Yes, eleven O’s, though the O’s aren’t one. Teams that stink: White Sux, A’ss, Suckies, Mehlins, Gnats, the GERDians…Actually the entire AL Central. The NL Central isn’t much better, except for the Cubs and Reds, and even they strike out a lot. Some teams that are supposedly decent, but are you worried about the Mets? Rays? Jays? They were trying to lose in San Diego and Jake Cronenworth is their three-hole hitter. It’s easier to name the teams you should fear. So, Shota looked exceptional vs. the Suckies. It’s true, but I watched, and Shota looked…this can go one of two ways here…even better than the line! (Whew, Grey’s not dumb. At least not on this.) I think we might’ve underestimated Shota all draft season — well, not Coolwhip, here’s his Shota Imanaga sleeper.
Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 0 baserunners, 5 baserunners. Going off (like the Biz) what I was saying in Shota’s blurb about bad teams, I like Chazz Salt, but he was facing the White Sux, who might be the worst team. Yes, worse than the A’s.
Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit that off a White Sox pitcher, so it counts as three-quarters of a homer. Sorry, just relaying the new rules.
Mike Clevinger – Signed with the White Sox. Picture the scene: You’re standing, warming your hands over a trash can that is on fire. Then, you skewer a turd and warm it over the fire. That turd is Mike Clevinger. I kinda understand the A’s. They want to move. It sucks, but I get it. The White Sox? Reinsdorf wants to die with $2.1 billion while fielding the most garbage team possible vs. $1.8 billion and trying to win? It makes no sense. Any hoo! Clevinger will likely be a Streamonator call in most mixed leagues, when he’s ready in two to three weeks, and around a 4.30 ERA pitcher.
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He has 11 homers in the last 19 games, if you count the postseason. But, yeah, skip him to draft someone else.
Josh Jung – Had a slam and legs, but a fastball hit his wrist and fractured it. Some guys are like injury magnets, man. Unbelievable. This will help my preseason love Ezequiel Duran to anew again.
Dane Dunning – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. See my unabashed respect for Seth Lugo and Wacha, and add in Dunning as someone no one wanted all preseason, and he’s totally fine in a yawnstipating way.
Ryan Pepiot – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. It might be wrong of me to say all pitchers who I like are still good no matter how they look in their first start, but it’s one start! If you think one start is at all indicative of a six-month season, I don’t know what to tell you.
Spencer Steer – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Steer me to heaven and introduce me to Jesus! As my bumper sticker says.
Andrew Abbott – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Watched most of this game with Abbott and Cristopher Sanchez (5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks), and Sanchez looked better, but neither were that exciting. It’s one start though, so going to mostly ignore what I saw.
Emerson Hancock – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. Everyone, and this is not exaggeration, is good in Safeco. Not saying this for purely masturbatory reasons with Hancock. He’s in the rotation until Woo returns, which might be a month, and he could be worthwhile in that time at least at home like previous Marginers.
Dominic Canzone – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’m cyclops with a monocle on Canzone. He’s got a solid bat, but terrible park and likely platooning. Still prolly AL-Only or 15-team mixed and deeper.
Josh Naylor – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. That’s preseason sleeper, Josh Naylor. LFG!
Triston McKenzie – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER. How ya gonna hang that many runs on a hat stand?
Jackson Merrill – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. He was my lede Buy last week, and it didn’t seem like anyone was picking him up, so screw y’all!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Fun The Jewels fast!
Brendan Donovan – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits leadoff. I don’t know about this BDon guy. Uh, my podcast co-host. Brendan Donovan is fine.
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. This was the day of the boring 5th starters who aren’t that bad, huh?
James Paxton – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. Five walks to five Ks from Paxton is abbreviated as K-Pax, after the truly awful Spacey movie.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Teoscar goes to Hollywood, and you didn’t see how this would play out?
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He could finally be healthy, and I tried to grab him in every league this past weekend. Not exciting, if “not exciting” is winning your league.
Luis Gil – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, at 84 pitches. Pulling Luis Gil with no one on at 4 2/3 IP and an easy win on the horizon is gonna turn me into a boomer. They need to change the Win rule. No way does a middle reliever getting one out to get them to 5 IP make him more valuable. It’s stupid and needs changing. Normalize the official scorer giving the starter who goes 4+ IP the win. Please!
Alek Thomas – Hit the IL with a strained hammy, which opens a slot for Jake McCarthy. Sadly, I’ve blacklisted him.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. He hit his 2nd homer to the batter’s eye, if the batter was the Jolly Green Giant and he was standing in Cuba.
Nolan Schanuel – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Rendon (oh-for-the-season) still hitting leadoff, but Schanuel was up to the two-hole. Just need Schanuel at leadoff and Rengifo or Neto at two and we would be so good. Someone tell Ron Washington that Rengifo wants to legalize cocaine.
Max Meyer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Didn’t watch this start, but it looks to me like Meyer is exactly like “random starter from the Streamonator” only with a flashier name.
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks. Yes, it was vs. Tigers, but I also was kicking myself all draft season I didn’t grab Manaea in any deeper leagues. It was only a year ago that I loved him.
Reese Olson – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Welcome to bizarro season where all Tigers starters are great, except Maeda. Maeda is Baeda, very, very Baeda.
MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Uncle Charlie vs. righties? Unhittable. Everything vs. lefties? Not very hittable either. Gore had some trouble early with hanging curves, but he’s so close to a precipice of taking command. That sentence could’ve played in 2000, but change ‘curves’ to ‘chads.’
Marco Gonzales – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Fun fact! Gonzales is Spanish for He went to Jared. Streamonator hates Marco, and I don’t disagree.
Dean Kremer – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. [Kremer crashes through the door] Jerry! You’re not gonna believe this! You know the product that turns oil into a solid? I patented it for bathroom uses.
Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. We were likely out way too early on Mountcastle. Like the great BBC drama he’s named after, he’s getting better in his 5th season.
Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Mountcastle and Westburg? Am I playing fantasy baseball or BritBox?
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-5 and a slam (2) and legs (1). Witt is like Kyle Tucker, if Kyle Tucker were actually fast.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sal P. with his 2nd, and 2nd time I’ve pointed out that Vinnie P. is playing like rotten ricotta.
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. You’d get a serious case of the yawns if you rostered Wacha and Lugo on the same team, but you’d prolly do better than rostering two high upside starters.
Jarren Duran – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd, 4th and 5th steal. Oh, Duran wants me to name my firstborn after him? Okay, I’m down with that!
Tanner Houck – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks. Streamonator loved this one, because it was vs. the A’ss. Start everyone vs. them.
Esteury Ruiz – Optioned to Triple-A, because he wasn’t getting on base enough, according to the A’s. He was hitting.429! Wearing a crown of thorns, Rajai Davis said, “I didn’t die for this.”
