India’s vibrant, full of life, an explosion of sights and sounds! In India, they dance and sing with big poofy dresses that twirl a lot and hide happy guys with mustaches. In India, they have bathrooms with no toilet and they poop into a ditch. Well, everything I know of India I learned in a movie. India is life! Jonathan India (3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 10th and 11th homer) is basic, as the kids say. Friendly’s is vibrant, full of life, an explosion of sights and sundaes–Okay, TJ Friedl (2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer) hasn’t been that either. Friedl and India are remarkably similar in that they had really productive seasons not that long ago and now seem barely registering for mixed leagues. What’s interesting on Friedl is how his BABIP drops out every other year. If he stays healthy and bounces back on BABIP, which he should, all hope is not lost for Friedl. Can India regain prior form? Well, if I were Columbus looking for India on waivers, I’d prolly be fine with Jose Westindies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tyler Stephenson – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, and now five homers in August after having five homers in July. “That’s a 30-homer pace!” Thanks, Mr. Prorater.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Wow, Bobby Witt Jr. is almost as good as Tyler Fitzgerald.
Paul DeJong – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Colonel Mustard in the hot tub with a Steely Dan CD!
Cole Ragans – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Best Ragans not powered by jelly beans?
Byron Buxton – Might be headed to the IL with a sore hip. It would be his first Injured List trip in his career.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Only five more homers than JRod, not bad!
Louie Varland – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.14. I want every Louie pitcher to throw a screwball and say, “I throw the screwie!” Just me? Okay.
Jhoan Duran – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.52, as he entered the 7th inning. Do you think Rocco Baldelli calls Kevin Cash at night and asks, “Did you see all the crazy moves I made,” as he twirls the hotel room phone cord around his finger?
Michael Harris II – 1-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “In Poland, burps are how they greet each other.”
Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 21st homer. Also, in this game, Austin Riley (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 19th homer. They both better get to 30 homers or no holiday cards.
Sean Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .226. Aw, look at how cute, Murphy’s trying to get our attention away from d’Arnaud.
Grant Holmes – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60. A career high for a career minor leaguer vs. my sweet, tight-pantsed boy, Robbie Ray. Pantastic.
Robbie Ray – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.00. Ray cooked Atlanta a 30-minute meal.
Tyler Fitzgerald – 2-for-5 and his 14th homer. He has 12 homers in the 2nd half. Judge only has nine!
Walker Buehler – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.58, as he was activated from the IL. Dodgers have a conveyor belt labeled, “Ruining every pitcher,” and before each season they put them on that and they slowly move towards the end, until they drop into the cart that leaves to see the doctor.
Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4, 1 run, 2 steals (34, 35). I know that smell and he’s sniffing 50/50!
Brent Rooker – Out on paternity leave. May I suggest the baby name, TJ?
David Peterson – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Rockies are terrible on the road, so streamed A. Man Da Peterson yesterday and money can’t buy me love, but that did.
Pete Alonso – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .246. Albombso!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. While we’re talking Mets, can someone find out what happened after Nimmo went to the bathroom…Oh no, did someone flush him?
Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. For what it’s Cronenworth, he’s around a top 100 guy on the Player Rater. Better than Paul Goldschmidt, Matt Olson and, God help me if I name one more person that is an arrow into the heart, Cody Bellinger.
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and I can’t imagine anyone actually picking him up so moving on…
Martin Perez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.62. This start was vs. the Pirates, his former team. After the game, the Pirates asked for refund for services not rendered, adding, “Who was that guy we faced today? We had a schmohawk! That was no schmohawk!” Sounds like it’s up to the courts now.
Joey Bart – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. He’s been solid since moving to the Pirates. In related news, I just had a thought: What happen to Henry Davis and is Endy Rodriguez going to return to a job?
Mitch Keller – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.95. Keller was beat by the Padres like it was an inquisition.
Alek Thomas – Optioned to Reno. Sweet, loose slots!
Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.25. This start was vs. the road Suckies, which is about the only time I can recommend starting JoMo. Streamonator says his next one is not that, so yeah.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 18th homer, a grand slam. He was a firestarter like Drew Barrymore in July, but has cooled a bit in August. We’ll see if yesterday is the start of more fire. Or not. Your choice!
Oswald Peraza – Called up by the Yanks to replace Jazz. Mean’s while, Jasson Dominguez helped Peraza carry his suitcases to the plane. On the tarmac, Dominguez told him to save him a spot, and Peraza nodded his head, then, when he got on the plane, he laughed hysterically.
Juan Soto – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 34th homer, and 4th homer in four at-bats, but only official at-bats as the pedantic might point out. Tell the pedantic to point out less, in general. To ease off the semantics. To hush the fuss.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 43rd homer, hitting .333. Put Judge, Soto, JoRam, Ohtani, and Witt up against any other year’s top five.
Andres Chaparro – 0-for-2 as he was called up the other day. So, bit lax in telling you the Nats promoted this guy. My bad or your bad for not reminding me? Let’s blame you and move on, huh? He’s a contact-first, some power 1st baseman who looks like a Yepez clone. Yedeux? Ya damn right! Chaparo had a 19% K% in Triple-A and 23 HRs in 105 games, after being shipped over from the DBags at the deadline in the Floro trade. He’s a bit old for a prospect (25), but he was buried behind Christian Walker, so can’t fault him a ton. I’d look at him for a corner infidel in 15-team mixed or deeper.
Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, and first time reaching 30 homers in a season. Yikes, this guy used to seem like such a surefire star. [intern whispers in ear] Oh, it’s only his 2nd season. I see, that’s good then.
Dean Kremer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.48. Streamonator loved this start, hates his next, move on dot org.
Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.00, and the 3rd save. Seranthony to closer roles is like corn to stool. You think it’s gone, but there it is. Do I think Seranthony is the best choice for the saves in Baltimore? No, but sometimes there’s not enough time for a guy to get properly drubbed and he keeps the job, so Dominguez might be the O’s closer the rest of the year or gone by Saturday.
Adolis Garcia – 3-for-5, and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .222. I nearly did a deep dive into him as the lede, but in the 9th inning, with a man on, he hit a pop-up to 1st base and it was such a terrible swing that that told me everything I needed to know. He’s the King of Bad Swings. Maybe this gets him going a little bit — he wasn’t robbed on either homer — but that 9th inning swing tells me he’s still severely flawed, especially since two batters later Wyatt Langford (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 7th homer over the monster to push the game into extras.
Tanner Houck – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Was a bit lucky to get away with only two earned, if being honest. Still love Houck, but he’s not out of the woods from his recent struggles.
Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .267. This was his fifth hit in nine days (not great, Bob!) and he is putting up some super snorey months one after the another. Did he eat Jose Abreu?
Bryan Woo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.06. I get Woo in a lot of comments. I sound like a reflective Ric Flair. “The people, they come to me, and they give me Woo.” But, no, I get Woo a lot in comments with names that aren’t close to as good as him. If Woo’s healthy, he’s–Well, he has a barely 2 ERA! I mean, what else do you need? This was vs. the team that Kirbstomped yesterday.
Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Someone came back from the IL smoking the schmotato pony. [cancel police break down door] I said schmotato pony! Not bologna pony! I don’t even know what a bologna pony is! A bologna pony doesn’t exist in nature! [gets dragged away]
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .323. He is currently hitting better than 2021. You remember, the year everyone compared him to when he was in minor league parks.
Ernie Clement – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .273. Grabbed Clement in a few leagues this past Sunday for steals, because I don’t need power. I repeat–Ya know what, forget it.
Daulton Varsho – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in four games, hitting .208, and hitting 2nd behind Springer, who is hitting .219. John Schneider can’t be fired fast enough.
Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.35. “Cobb’s salad isn’t tossed, metaphorically. After that, the weather…” That’s a newsman who is about to get fired. Streamonator for Cobb until we see consistency.
Edward Cabrera – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.76 vs. Tyler Phillips – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.50. This matchup was billed as, “Starting either of these guys is so nutty, and I’m allergic.”
Jonah Bride – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Always a bridesmaid never–Strike that.
Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.89. One of the biggest stories of the year that no one is talking about. I thought he was an A.J. Burnett walking nine in a no-hitter-type no-hitter. Just a nothing fluke. Ronel was anything but that this year. He started at the no-hitter and rarely lifted the foot from the gas. Legit impressed by him.
Jeremy Pena – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, 3rd homer in four games. Pena is having one of those seasons that’s a top 100 season, and then forgotten next year. Easy money next year from Pena.
Ryan Pepiot – Will rejoin the Rays’ rotation on Friday, as he returns from a spider bite. At least that’s what his Aunt May told reporters.
Zack Littell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, two walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.89. So weird when people say a pitcher deserves better. Do they? Are they living a good life? Do they help old ladies cross the street? Do they share their Netflix passwords with friends who they don’t really like? Do they properly label the pot brownies on the tray? I do not know. I don’t know what anyone deserves. But Littell deserved better than no run support.
