Steven Kwan hit the IL with a hammy injury, which really, really sucks–Hold up! Guards are calling up Kyle Manzardo! Oh, boy, I feel my rap altar ego, B. Fire coming on!
Kyle Manzardo?!
Aw sookie! That hit tool ain’t bizardo!
Headed to the DQ for the Blizzardo!
The original DQ was owned by a guy named Sherb Noble,
Making your lactose-intolerant belly into Chernobyl!
Wonder if that’s where the word sherbet came from, could someone google, I don’t have any more minutes on my mobile!
Damn, Drake and Kendrick don’t want none of this! So, here’s what Itch’s said, “(Manzardo) played well after coming over from Tampa in exchange for Aaron Civale, slashing .256/.348/.590 with six home runs in 21 games. Had gotten caught in between a bit early in the season as he sought to maximize his power as a six-foot, 205 lb left handed hitter with no defensive versatility, but he found himself along the way and kept hitting in the Arizona Fall League. If I saw Grey, I’d keep hitting his head.” Okay, not cool. This preseason I had less kind things to say on Manzardo. Saying previously he’s a platoon Schanuel. Call him Nolan Schnooze. Would I grab him everywhere? Sure, why not? Maybe he comes up and hits. In Triple-A in 29 games, he did have 9 HRs and .303 with a 17.2% strikeout rate, so he might’ve unlocked something extra. Like Sherb Noble on the jimmies! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ben Lively – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.08. There’s so many pitchers, Exhibit 134. Lively’s peripherals aren’t backing up a 2.08 ERA, but they’re not exactly saying he’s totally fibbing. Just laughed to myself thinking about someone saying to their friends, “I picked up Lively because Grey said he’s not totally fibbing.” You just lost a friend there. Sorry about that! Lively looks more real than I thought he would (10 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 3.28 xFIP) and could see trying him in most mixed leagues for his next start.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (5). JoJo-Ram making a play to become the new Mr. H2H.
Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Jo-Nay yay! (Said like Martin Lawrence.)
Javier Assad – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.66. He’s so good his last name feels like it’s beside the point. Javier’s great? Yeah, but Assad from that, he loves to groom dogs.
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.13. His numbers are begging for the Regression Fairies to rearrange his closet and rip apart his ratios.
Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Alternating starts now is FreddyKBB and FreddyIneedanantacid.
Erick Fedde – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.46. The return of Fedde WAP!
Bryan Ramos – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was called up. To make room, the White Sox IL’d the injured Mendick. Oh God! *crosses legs* Oh, it was just a back injury. Whew. So, Ramos looks promising for, I don’t know, 2026? He’s 22 and was hitting .182 in Double-A.
Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .231. Before the start of game yesterday, Austin Martin was higher on the Player Rater than Eloy. Who? That’s the point.
Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.31. This start was vs. the Cards, who are in a battle with the White Sox for the worst hitting teams, and yesterday they were winning, uh, losing.
Dylan Carlson – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. I pray for your fantasy team if you heard about Carlson returning and you got excited.
Clarke Schmidt – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Schmidt happens trying to change the connotations behind that phrase.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. He raised his average almost 25 points since Thursday. That’s in three games. Well, two and three-quarters, because he was ejected on Saturday. Family can afford to take their kid to one game per year. It costs $500 all-in and it’s going to take tightening up elsewhere in the family budget, but the kid loves Aaron Judge and wants to see him. Then he gets ejected. Ump should be immediately fired (into the sun).
Nestor Cortes – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. As long as his BB/9 is 1.5, or anywhere under 2, it’s hard to imagine him not being worthwhile.
Casey Mize – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.98. I said move on after his previous start, not sure things are getting better.
Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.90. Gonna be wild next year when someone drafts Skubal in the top 12 overall.
Jared Jones – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Every time the Rockies get a hit in an away game, their fans, if they had any, should act as the revelers do in Times Square at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s.
Oneil Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Are you telling me his career wasn’t over because he had a bad April? Wow, I heard different.
Sean Bouchard – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. That’s exactly the kind of heads up Bud Black needs to get him out of the lineup.
Christian Scott – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was called up. Pitcher Christian, you’re the one! Watched every pitch he threw and looked as good as advertised. Think it’s between him, Jared Jones and Skenes for best rookie pitcher, and Scott’s here now. Also, just gave you my Christian Scott fantasy. All Weeknd the title’s song was stuck in my head.
Ryan Pepiot – Day-to-day after taking a 107 MPH screamer off the leg. Pepiot will now wrap his leg in parchment paper with lemon and herbs.
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-5 and a slam (5) and legs (5), 2nd homer in three games, hitting .143. “Help me move the recycle bin to the curb, would ya? Don’t look at me like that, I put the body in the correct bin–Hold on! Randy moved! He’s alive!”
Jose Caballero – 0-for-2, 3 runs and his 10th, 11th, 12th and 13th steal. Rays stole six bags off the Mets. Sadly, it was off multiple catchers and pitchers, so hard to discern who was so awful here, but looks like it was mostly Luis Severino and Nido, i.e., stream SBs vs. them.
Trea Turner – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain from hustling. He thinks he’ll miss at least six weeks. Stupid freakin’ Treat Urner trying to urn treats!
Taijuan Walker – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.39 vs. Logan Webb – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.50. This matchup was billed as Webb/Walker, which is Peter Parker when he forgets his bus pass. High five! No? You’re right, that was awful.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .234. At least he’s been better than Freeman and Olson! (I think on Freeman, they’ve both been pretty close to meh.)
John Means – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks in his first start. Liked Means a lot before his injury. Living well above his Means, as they say in those posh British crime dramas you watch on BritBox as Mountcastle investigates. Means is not the most exciting pitcher; he’s not a borderline ace or anything, but he can be a usable back-end starter. Just about the Means.
Yennier Cano – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save on Saturday, as Craig Kimbrel (1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.55) got a hard-earned Hold.
Jordan Westburg – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .286. The ball went Northburg.
Anthony Santander – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer. Trade Santander to the Reds for Lodolo (5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.79) right now. Please I’m begging here!
Alexis Diaz – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.57. Kazaam! There’s no hell hot enough for the manager who brings a closer into a not save situation.
Dean Kremer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Sonavabench! Should’ve trusted Kremerica Industries to produce a solid, unassuming start, even in Cincy.
Max Muncy – Didn’t start Sunday, but hit his 6th, 7th, 8th homers on Saturday. Max is the Munciest!
Shohei Ohtani – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .364. Shooting my shot here: If Ohtani is looking for a new best friend who is a terrible gambler, I’m available.
Evan Phillips – Hit the IL with Grade 1 hamstring strain. Sounds super minor, which makes sense in Grade 1. Can grab Daniel Hudson; he should get the next two weeks of saves.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. And the Teoscar goes to…Teoscar. That seems rigged.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, .308. Lost 50 points in average since I told you to sell him, but what I’d really like to talk about is how Matt Olson stopped playing baseball after last year. I miss him. Anyone know what he’s up to?
Framber Valdez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.97. Yeah, he’s totally fine. No concerns here! For those saying, oh, wow, you know now he sucks, but where were you in March? I was saying this since January.
Hunter Brown – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 8.89. With it being Kentucky Derby weekend, it would only be right the Astros’ Hot Brown pitched. Not hot as in good, but Hot Brown as in it looks like diarrhea on a plate.
Jon Singleton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer this week. From a Hot Brown to a hot schmotato!
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Just googled Raleigh’s stats, and google asked, “Did you mean twerking of giant butts?”
Daniel Lynch IV – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, in his 1st start. Fun fact! When ranking Daniel Lynchs, it goes Daniel Lynch IV, Daniel Lynch II, Daniel Lynch III, Daniel Lynch V then Daniel Lynch I.
Wyatt Langford – Hit the IL with being a suck merchant. Excuse me a hamstring strain. Rangers said he’ll miss a month. So glad I only drafted him in one league. Dude was Tuffy Rhodes but in Spring Training! At least Tuffy did it in the majors!
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.50. He’s been so good this year, but Streamonator sees his next and says no way. Will finally get to see if you can go home again.
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .291. On the Player Rater, he’s the 5th best catcher. So, unless you’re in a 4-team league, I don’t know why he’s on your waivers.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .202. Type of guy who I wouldn’t even wait for the official schmotato call or the pause to monocle. Like 7-11’s cylindrical hamburgers, just grab and go.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .292. Getting stuffy in here, did someone shut the Buy Low window?
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .297. Type to hit one homer then go on a schmotato run.
Michael King – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.29. You heard of Kung Fu? This is Michael Fu King. He always be Fu King with us. Start him? He’s terrible. Bench him? He’s great. Streamonator says his next one will be awful, so where does that leave us? You gotta be Fu King kidding me, if you think I know.
Joe Musgrove – Hit the IL with triceps tendonitis. Damn, people wonder how I knew to avoid him. People say, “Can I get some of that crystal ball shizz you got?” Wish I could say I’m a witch, but it’s more because Musgrove had an arm injury last year. I know, crazy that was all it was. I think the wilder thing is others chose to ignore it.
Matt Waldron – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.82. Padres buy and trade like contenders and play like a .500 team.
Jackson Merrill – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .284. Now there’s a name I haven’t thought about in a while. If you bet any rookie named Jackson to win the ROY this year, don’t fear. Shota or Yamamoto could change their names.
Nick Gordon – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Puts shizz in perspective when you see Nick Not-Strange-Gordon with four homers and Matt Olson with three homers.
Luis Arraez – 1-for-5, hitting .311. Luis Arraez could play on the moon and have the same value. Boost on runs on a better team? Sure. Is he really going to start hitting more homers? Well, yes, if he were traded to the moon. In San Diego? Meh.
Trevor Rogers – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.15. This start was vs. the–oh, dear. The Marlins gave up 20 runs to the–oh my. The Marlins might need to smudge their clubhouse.
Vidal Brujan – 1-for-5, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. With Arraez gone, I’m more interested in Brujan now. Oh, yeah, we’ve been down this road before. We cut through this road once a year it seems. Brujan has value! Woo hoo! Then you pick him up, and almost immediately want to drop him. He does have 40-steal speed, seems likely to play and is making incredible contact so far. Even William Buckley would be asking for more Vidal.
Luis Garcia Jr. – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (6), hitting .337. If a player like Garcia is on pace for 15/30 with a .300+ average, he should be rostered or you should be in a deeper league.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Cake Batter remembering to be more batter and less cake.
Alek Manoah – 4 IP, 6 ER as he was called up. Wow, who is this young call-up?! I must read all I can on him! So, it says here he caused people to pull their hair out and another article says one fantasy owner of Manoah last year tried to kidnap him just so he wouldn’t start anymore for his fantasy team. Seems like it would be easier to just remove him from his lineup. Let’s see what Manoah’s done in the minors this year…a 5.87 ERA with a 6.1 BB/9? Sounds promising! Higher the numbers the better, right? No? Who are you, Archimedes? You wearing a toga and doing math with an abacus? So, Manoah looked cooked, but that doesn’t make any sense, because if he were cooked, he’d be eating himself.
