Superlatives, friends, are floating away, just out of our grasp, but let’s try. Precede with accolades: Ranger Suarez (7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.36) moved his record to 9-0. He’s the 4th pitcher in the Live Ball Era with a 9-0 record through his first 10 starts, and an ERA of 1.50 or lower. The Live Ball Era is since baseball started putting Mexican jumping beans in the baseball. Ready for some names? I knew you would be! The other pitchers were Ubaldo Jimenez (lol), Juan Marichal (oh, okay, we’re not playing now) and Sal Maglie (who, apparently, wasn’t the proper name for Magilla the Gorilla). Went back and watched old clips of Juan Marichal and that no one tried to replicate that pitching motion means we’re the lesser for it. Ranger Suarez is also the first Phils pitcher to do it since Grover Cleveland Alexander, who later changed his name to Grover Cleveland Guardians. Ranger Suarez is insane. 9.3 K/9, 1.6 BB/9, 2.64 xFIP (!!!), 57.1% GB%, .218 wOBA, 84.1 MPH average exit velocity, and on and on. He’s basically giving up weak-sauce dribblers to his 2nd baseman, and that’s it. The big question is can it continue? Not to this extent, but he’s gonna need some bad luck to not have a 20-win season and a sub-3 ERA. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .280. Just thought of something, Harper is Mormon, and he homers after every child of his is born. You see where I’m going with this? Big Love equals many homers!
Corey Seager – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .246. Saberhagenmetrics is supposed to be a goof, but Seager’s made it his way of life.
Kris Bryant – 0-for-4 as he was activated, hitting .137. To make room, the Rockies sent down Sean Bouchard, who has easily been better the last three years, and never plays. Yes, he’s been up and down with the Rockies since 2022! “Hang in there.” That’s what it says on a cat paragliding poster that Jo Adell sent Bouchard.
Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. I am going to howl when the Rockies re-sign McMahon to a 10-year, $300m deal.
Nolan Jones – Pausing his rehab with knee soreness. The world’s longest sigh.
Ezequiel Tovar – 2-for-5 and his 6th and 7th homer. Sound the shofar for Tovar!
Abraham Toro – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .294. That;s three homers this month and he’s hitting near-.350. Went to look if he was pulled late due to injury, and I’m not sure if that extremely sad or not. Like a sushi chef, I have a lot riding on Toro.
Seth Brown – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Could be a hot schmotato, but if you’re picking up Seth Brown, question: How did things get so bad?
Kyle Hendricks – Moved to the pen. Someone should pen his goodbye letter then DFA him. Presumably, Jordan Wicks will take over for Hendricks when he’s ready to go. From Hendricks to Wicks, it’s the –Icks shuffle.
Adbert Alzolay – Getting a 2nd opinion on his forearm. Hopefully the doctor isn’t someone who drafted him for saves.
Javier Assad – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.70. After being great for almost two straight years, he just needed me to pick him up.
Michael Harris II – 1-for-5 and a slam (5) and legs (7). Also, Orlando Arcia (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. That’s cool, guys. Hey real question, has anyone seen Ozzie Albies? He didn’t quit to model short clothes, did he?
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Not sure why but I always get unreasonably scared about Wrigley. Okay, I know why, because the winds are blowing in 80 MPH one second and out the next and it becomes Glenallen Hill Derby.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 12th and 13th steal, hitting .356. How is he not a top three draft pick every year?
Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Onward Christian Walker!
Joc Pederson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .321, and near-.350 this month with four homers. Joc gets hot and he never cools off until he does. Like my motto says, it makes sense if you don’t think about it.
Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Took two giant grapenuts to start him in Dodger Stadium, and, if you did, you’re crazy as Pfaack.
Chas McCormick – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. That’s nice, the Asstros should absolutely not bench Jake Meyers (2-for-3, hitting .301).
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .265. 41 more! Ha, maybe we should be happy with 40 total.
Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .293. See, I kinda get why he’s hitting 2nd. Joe Espada would hit Tucker 2nd through 9th if he could.
Cristian Javier – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.89. If you drop him, he will go on a Ranger Suarez-type run. Don’t you owe it to him to drop him?
Jon Singleton – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Supposedly, the Astros are bringing back Jose Abreu this Friday, so, uh, why?
Luis Rengifo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .316, and finally regularly hitting towards the top of the lineup. MLB managers are so dumb. It took Washington six weeks to figure out what everyone knew about Rengifo. Same story as Nolan Schanuel (3-for-5, 1 run) too. Wash still has no idea what to do with Adell, even though somehow Willie Calhoun is the go-to cleanup hitter. Make it make sense!
Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. One the top hitters on the 7-day Player Rater, which is so funny. Sneeze on JRod for me!
Ty France – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. A French fly!
Dylan Moore – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. I don’t know if this passes a “science” test, but if the Mariners played in Yankee Stadium, I think they’d be a good power team. Well, except JRod. Whatever happened to him is anyone’s guess.
Luke Raley – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, and hitting around .450 this month. A smoldering schmotato.
Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.57, as he threw a walloping 77 pitches. Thank God he’s economical with balls, because he’s got the stamina of a middle reliever. Clearly, he’s got immense potential. Maybe he’ll be able to throw 85 pitches one day.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .223. Still believe in him, but it’s starting to get to the point where the people who I tell to hold Gleyber are already looking at our fantasy football content.
Casey Mize – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.57. Regression Fairies hate what you’ve done with your hair and your chances at winning your league.
Alec Marsh – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Watched him because felt like there would be questions. It was a super easy matchup and, yeah, pretty solid. Five-pitch mix, 83 MPH curve that’s nasty, relies on a 94 MPH high fastball, quality change and a very nice slider. Wasn’t what I would call impressed. It wasn’t like I was watching Skenes or Jared Jones, but he gets the Twins next, and I’ll be watching and picking him up in some leagues.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and a double slam (6, 7) and legs (16), hitting .304. BWJ! Bobby With Jattidude! Doesn’t work at all, does it? Yeah.
Maikel Garcia – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .263. Thought this week was Michael Massey’s schmotato run. Hmm…
Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. White Sux vs. the Jays is like the Youtube video titled, “Two Losers Fight.”
Eloy Jimenez – Left the game with a hamstring strain. That is shocking. I am shocked. No way. Impossible.
Cooper Criswell – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86 vs. Zack Littell – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. This matchup was billed as, “Exhibit 14,560,098 how much pitching there is.” In fairness, there was about 17 exhibits, then they started skipping numbers.
Jarren Duran – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (11), hitting .271. Happy he’s hitting leadoff, content with his average, would love a bit more speed. [holds thumb and pinkie together, gets into yogi pose] Speak it into existence…
Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .257. He finally figured out what the problem in his swing was: He needed to face Patrick Corbin.
Willi Castro – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .267. Castro catsup to that ball! No? Okay.
Jose Miranda – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert? Sure, but also I hate Baldelli so much. Twins were easily winning this game, he did not have to remove Miranda to hit Kepler. That’s just stupid.
Ji Hwan Bae – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal, as he was recalled. That recalling went like this, “How can we get Olivares out of the lineup? Oh, I have an idea!” If you neeed steals in an NL-Only, then let Bae be your bae.
Trevor Rogers – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.11. Not sure what happened to all the Marlins’ great pitching, but they are in the toilet and no one’s flushing.
Robert Gasser – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, zero Ks, ERA at 2.65. Gasser [makes farting noise with hand in armpit]
Matt Chapman – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .243, and 10 for his last 15. When you say schmotato, I say hot! Schmotato…hot! Schmotato…hot! Schmohawk…hot–damn! Got me!
Joe Musgrove – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.93 as he was activated from the IL. I wouldn’t have drafted Musgrove, and still wouldn’t pick him up. But other than, good luck!
Andrew Abbott – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Wouldn’t go Abbott over a lot of people. Abbott over Musgrove? Yes. Abbott over Costello. Absolutely. Abbott over the Dodgers in his next start, which the Streamonator hates? No.
Starling Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .261. Well, he’s no Ketel Marte, but Starling has curbed his career downward slide this year a bit. A resounding endorsement!
Mark Vientos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .360. Just hitting him vs. lefties has to be the stupidest thing the Mets have done in a while, and that’s like an expert-level limbo bar.
Carlos Carrasco – Hit the IL with “Hey, you were once great, and inspiring, but this is kinda over now, isn’t it?” Unclear how long he’ll be out.
David Fry – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .338. With catcher eligibility in most leagues. Um, hello beautiful. I’m American, I love Fry’d shizz. Let’s go! He’ll be in this Friday’s Buy column, because of course, which will be available later today on Patreon and Friday here.
Xzavion Curry – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.93. Fun fact! His name translates to when you accidentally drop your Scrabble tiles into a saag paneer.
