It was a long, strange journey through the month of April (seven whole starts) for my Mitch Keller preseason sleeper. Whenever a sleeper does bad, I blame woke. He was not awake, but maybe that was asking too much of a sleeper. I tagged him a sleeper, after all. Was I asking too much to beg, on my hands and knees, to wake the eff up? (I said the preceding like I was Christopher Walken. Go back and read it again. And you’ll see.) So, maybe it’s a May thang, I ponder as I look at Mitch Keller throwing a complete game yesterday — 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He started the game with a 5.18 ERA and 3.4 BB/9 (not good for him), and ended it with a 2.9 BB/9 and ERA at 4.44. Not saying it’s all fixed and we’re back on the Keller Express, next stop Funsiesville, but it shows you how early it still is. One more great start from Keller and he’ll be exactly where we thought when we drafted him, i.e., it was woof but could be back to Old Keller. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edward Olivares – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now bench him for five days, then bring him in as a defense replacement on day six. Who are we kidding, Olivares hit a grand slam and was replaced by the .176-hitting Suwinski in the same game!
Zach Neto – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .239. Ya notice there’s no Zacharies? What’s up with that? [deafening silence] Okay.
Mason Black – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, as he was called up by the Giants. His parents failed him. Paintit was right there for a first name. Or Whoyacallin. That might lead to some fights, which is good! Son, this world is rough and if a man’s gonna make it, he’s gotta be tough. Little Man in Black on Black. Here’s what Itch previously said, “It’s a two-pitch, three-quarters look from the 6’3” Black, but if his command is on point, he gets an extra pitch or two out of the fastball/slider combo because he can work both inside and out, up and down. Stealing the back-door slider strike from lefties, especially, gives him a chance against them because he can also back-foot the pitch for punch-outs in two-strike counts. Though he struggled a bit in 60.2 innings at Triple-A, Black was the club’s minor league player of the year in 2023 and should get a look pretty early in 2024. Now, if you excuse me, I’m plotting to poison Grey’s boba.” What the heck? So, I put Black in the top 100 starters at the last minute in March, because he looked solid, then they signed Blake and Blake beat Black back. Check me out, finished that sentence without a two-hour bee delay. Black’s a streamer for now, clearly.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Oh, the Giants are bad too. We’ve got a running tally of the bad teams vs. the good teams and the bad teams are starting to beat out the good teams. Not in games, but in sheer volume. It’s easier to count the number of good lineups. Let’s see in the NL: Phils, Dodgers, DBacks, Padres, Braves, and Cubs. Am I missing any decent NL lineups? Brewers? Meh, I guess. What’s that, less than half of the NL?
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Twice would’ve been Bryce as nyce!
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .212. Schwarbomber gonna hit 50+, ain’t he?
Joe Kelly – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Which is whatever, but with Evan Phillips injured, this shores up Daniel Hudson’s grasp on the closer job or. Dot dot dot.
Alex Vesia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.56 and his 1st save, with Blake Treinen (1 IP, 0 ER) brought in for the 8th inning and Daniel Hudson was brought in after the game to chat with some fans, hand out giant foam fingers. Ya know, the stuff a non-closer does.
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 3rd homer in four games. Mr. Bungled Teoscar in the preseason so badly. He was so obvious value, and I drafted him nowhere. The Teoscar for Biggest Idiot? Not to me, I have no Teoscars.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and double legs (8, 9). Next preseason, there will be people still who are like, “Meh, I don’t know, he doesn’t have any eligibility.” Yeah, then you can’t freely pick up great guys like Nick Gordon.
James Outman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I legit forgot he existed, and I have him on a team, so that’s a very bad sign.
Walker Buehler – 4 IP, 3 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Good news, he was able to throw 77 pitches. Better news, he doesn’t need his third Tommy John surgery yet.
Jake Burger – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Finally my Keto diet gets some variety.
Nick Gordon – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.30. I cannot tell a lie, I streamed Wood, like my name’s Balsa, baby!
Corey Seager – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. Know how I just said above I forgot Outman existed? Seager went 100 picks before him and has about the same value so far.
Bryse Wilson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Not Streamonator‘ing him, not thinking about it, because I know as soon as I pick him up, he will explode all over my teams.
Michael Massey – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, 3rd homer in a week. “Take it, it’s yours.” That’s Maikel Garcia handing Massey the Chalice of the Hot Schmotato.
Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Prior to this game, Ragans was the 71st best starter on the Player Rater. Doubt this moved him up much.
Justin Steele – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.96, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “The escalator says Schlinder, is that as in the list guy?”
Christopher Morel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (4), and, like, his 17th homer this month. Sorry, Dave Winfield, Morel is the new Mr. May. Standby for the June sell.
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. It’s not haha funny how funny it is that Darvish has become a boring backend starter after all those years of sheer dominatitude. Hmm, tried to do something there and it didn’t work. Dominatitude sounds like the name of the Nats’ mascot.
Simeon Woods-Richardson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Gave you my Simeon Woods-Richardson fantasy, and nothing’s really changed. I like him; I kinda like all Twins pitching prospects, but this was also a solid matchup. (Inner monologue says, “They’re all good matchups, Brent.” Because there are so many bad hitting teams.)
Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Nimmo found one!
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, vs. Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.68. This matchup was billed as, “Jesus Hayzeus and Carfax, don’t make me say anything nice about these guys, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be useful for fantasy. Happy? That was kind of a nice thing.”
Riley Greene – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer. The greatest sleeper call of mine? Well, no, I’ve had a few great ones, but this ain’t bad so far!
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Bit surprised the Ks weren’t higher. What’s the opposite of “Flaherty will get you everywhere?” That’s this.
Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Straight from the community theater production of Forrest Gump, where McKenzie played the feather, and into the fire. Can’t start a fire without a spark from two twigs, which bring us back to McStickzie. Oh, his peripherals look awful, too, by the by. I’d be very scared about starting him.
Jonny DeLuca – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, and his 4th game played. So, Lowe (rhyming em-effin’ Simon over here) is back, and DeLuca played center yesterday, which is significant, because Siri was the Rays’ CF up until now. Maybe Siri gave the address for a plumber when she was asked what was Amanda Plumber’s last movie and Kevin Cash was finally fed up! DeLuca is super toolsy — power, speed, could make decent contact — but the thing holding him back was the playing time. If he has PT, he begins immediately to become intriguing.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .282. Wham, bam, thank you, Pham!
Mike Clevinger – 2 IP, 3 ER as he was called up. He clearly misses his pal Zach Plesac. Wonder where he is…[phone rings] Hello? Plesac? What’s up, man? You in the cuzzi with one in a koozie trying to get the Postmates dude’s attention with your pineapple za? Damn, man, that’s crazy. Okay, lates.
